15 Secrets of Happy Couples

They look lovingly at each other across rooms, finish their partner's sentences, and playfully poke at one another. Here's how those blissfull twosomes keep the romance alive:

1) They celebrate a unique anniversary

Your wedding anniversary is a lovely date to remember, but it's not the only milestone that matters. It's even more intimate to celebrate less public moments of which only you two know.

2) They stash pleasure money

Every couple needs a "just for fun "account. Put money aside and spend it on whatever you want together!

3) They have a couple code

When you two can communicate volumes with a mere raised eyebrow or another form of expression, you feel closer to one another. You use these codes when you are in public in those "let's get out of here" moments.

4) When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom or Dad

When their is a crisis or even big news to share, the couple should talk about it first alone before talking to any extended family members. You wouldn't believe how many people are divorced because their marriage wasn't private and their partner did not feel first.

5) They don't nickel and dime about chores

It's no secret that most women continue to do more in the housekeeping and child rearing departments than their partners. Still, when couples become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for big trouble. Most couples think they should have a 50/50 relationship, but the fact is they should each always give 100%. In good relationships, couples give everything they can.

6) They never lose their sense of humor

Humor is the krazy clue that keeps a couple together! When a couple can no longer laugh together it is a signal that the soul has gone out of their relationship and they are headed for trouble. Lighthearted couples never mock each other. They instinctively know what is and what isn't fair game.

7) They get busy, period

You don't have to do the deed every day or even every seven days fot that matter to have a great relationship. But there is no way around this fact: The happiest couples have sex on a regular basis. Avoiding a sex drought is crucial, because healthy sex reinforces and deepens closeness. That said, there is  no need to stress if sometimes you let a week or two go by without sex. What's key is that you are both happy with your number.

8) They never withhold nooky as punishment

Expressing anger by never being in the mood will doom your sex life. It turns what should be a loving and giving act into a commodity. Once sex becomes the power struggle, so much resentment builds that soon neither partner wants sex. So, instead of feigning fatigue or rolling away from your guy next time your annoyed...speak up and clear the air.

9) They know how to get from poop to passion

One of the hardest things to do is to transition from say paying bills to being sexy with each other. Successful couples find remarkably unremarkable ways to snap each other out of the daily grind mode and stay sexy with each other. Show affection and kinds words to snap out of the daily grind!

10) They understand each other's needs

The main reason couples break up is not conflict, communication problems, or sexual incompatibility. It is the frustration--the day to day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts--that is the most damaging to a relationship and why people don't stay together.To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. And, be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations.

11) They do the ultimate move

Four words: eye contact during orgasm. It is such a vulnerable moment that sharing it adds a huge degree of intimacy to your relationship.

12) They use terms of endearment

Pet names signal a safe and supportive environment.

13) They are grateful for the ordinary

After you have been married for years, it is easy to take each other for granted. Please...DON'T ever do that! For a healthy and satisfying relationship, you need to have an awareness of and an appreciation for the negative and positive things about your partner. Through praising your partner, you give them the message that they are important to you. Plus, you will find positive thinking and comments is contagious. If you are postive, your partner will be in return.

14) They take 10 minutes

A weekly date night or lunch is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. It is the 10 minute rule. Take 10 minutes of your day each day to talk about anything--except for kids, chores, and responsibilities. Use this time to learn about your partner's world and anything more about them. Happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your partner intimately isn't always about enaging in heavy conversations. Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer to each other. Learn, learn, learn!

15) They think positive

The best way to make your relationship better is to not be worried about and fixing what is wrong! The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage. That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep  going in that direction. This doesn't mean you can't feel or talk about anything; but pretend you are weighing your intercations on a scale. If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad. The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your relationship into one that is truly great. Ask yourself, how much fun are you to live with and come home too?



FORMULA FOR SUCCESS IN A RELATIONSHIP:

The quality of a relationship is a function of which it meets the needs of the two people involved.

1) Learn what your partner's needs are.
2) Teach your partner what your needs are.
3) Meet each other's needs.


Now, you have two people working towards each other and their happiness.

A traveling spouse? Insight that helps create a positive attitude and relationship.

Today's economy is having more of an impact on families than just their income levels. In many cases, one spouse now has to travel in order to get or keep a job. This can affect marriages and families in ways that have the potential to radically change relationships.

Throughout marriage, traveling can be challenging and a new experience to experience together. Being away from home brings a whole new set of challenges to a marriage. Household and parental responsibilities fall primarily on the shoulders of one partner. Insecurity, fear and doubt can creep into even the most stable of relationships. Fatigue and erratic schedules wreak havoc on attitudes and moods. And unspoken expectations can erupt into hostile conflicts.

If you or your spouse find yourselves traveling more often, you might find these tips helpful in maintaining the peace and harmony in your home and your marriage.

1. One of the most important things a family can do is to stay connected. You can accomplish this in a variety of ways and modern technology has made this easier than ever. Besides just talking on the phone, you can now email, have an on-line chat complete with webcam, use SKYPE, and keep in touch via social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. These various tools can allow you to see one another while you talk, view the latest photos and even know what your teenager is thinking about at that very moment! It has never been easier to connect with people.

This can be an opportunity to get creative! Throughout our marriage, my husband has left me a note on the mirror each morning. These are little messages on post-a-notes that remind me he is thinking of me, values and appreciates me. So when one of us is traveling, he sends an email with "Note on the Mirror" as the subject line. That way, I never have to miss my morning affirmation.

The main point is to make the effort to keep the traveling spouse connected and a part of the family's life. Be sure to share the good along with the bad! Make the conversations as normal as possible, but guard against making them feel guilty for being gone. "I miss you and wish you were here" is understandable and even welcomed, but statements that start with, "If you weren't gone all the time…" should be avoided.

2. All marriages need to be built on a foundation of trust. But when one partner is often away from home; even the strongest bonds of trust are put to the test. They are having new experiences without you and meeting new people that you don't know. So it is imperative that you voice any worries or concerns. Bring them out into the open so that as a couple, you can discuss them and reassure one another. Reinforce your commitment to each other and your marriage vows and be trustworthy yourself. Both of you need to avoid compromising situations where your personal integrity could be called into question. Simple things like making sure that your cell phone is always charged so that if your spouse needs you, they can quickly reach you will go a long way towards fortifying trust.

And don't be overly suspicious! If you don't believe that you can trust your spouse, then the traveling is NOT your problem! Bottom-line: Whether you are the traveling partner or the one who stays at home — trust each other and don't breach it!

3. Traveling can also cause a change in responsibilities and even a shift in the balance of power. Guard against becoming resentful and blaming one another for these new duties and obligations. It is important to decide "who does what now" and to support one another with these changing roles. You can still discuss and make joint decisions on major issues, but day-to-day choices must be made by the spouse/parent that is "on site" and you can't undermine their efforts by second-guessing them. Just because they didn't handle things exactly the way that you would have doesn't make them wrong! Flexibility is the key here—there is more than one way to accomplish a task. So try to remember what is truly important here—your relationship, NOT how they trimmed the shrubs or where they had the oil changed in the car.

If you do have a serious preference (and a good reason), for doing something a certain way, then don't criticize how they did it. Instead, lovingly share why you prefer they do it another way in the future. Most of the time, it is too late to change what they have already done. Don't forget--this is your spouse doing the best they can, so be kind, helpful, and grateful, not critical and judgemental. This is no time to be nitpicky about unimportant details! You can't be overly controlling and expect your spouse to cheerfully pick up the slack when you are not there. You are supposed to be partners here! So get comfortable with the fact that roles are going to change!

4. Spend time in their environment. Go visit them! Use this chance to experience a new place together. Go by yourself and have a romantic get-away even if you never leave the hotel! And on another occasion, take the kids and have a mini family vacation. This not only makes it more fun for all of you, but it takes the mystery and mystique out of where they are spending their time. It gives you a chance to meet some of the people they may talk about and makes you feel more a part of their new "world". It's a great way to turn a negative situation into a positive experience for the whole family.

5. What happens when you are home? It may feel like you are a visitor in your own home. Schedules may be different than before, the family "rules" may have changed and you may not even feel needed anymore. Bear in mind that in the beginning there will be a transition period where you and your spouse determine what is most important and what works for both of you. Issues of parenting, budgets, and household chores need to be clearly discussed and agreed upon, taking both of your views, limitations, and time constraints into account.

And if you are the "stay-at-home" spouse, take care not to over-schedule. It is very tempting to have an extensive "honey-do" list waiting for your traveling spouse when they finally arrive home. Chores and duties that they generally handle can pile up in their absence and become overwhelming for them. Plus, just trying to accomplish all these tasks takes valuable time away from being together with the family. Give some serious thought to hiring a lawn service, a cleaning service, a handy-man, etc., so that these types of activities don't dominate the precious little time you may have together. Refrain from dumping all the "problems" on them either. Don't use the old, "Wait until your Father gets home."

Additionally, traveling can take a physical and emotional toll on our bodies, so your spouse may need some time to rest and decompress. They need to be able pursue their hobbies and interests and also to spend time with other family members and friends as well. It is important to achieve a balance with the demands on their time and to remember that this is supposed to be their "time off" as well.

And be sure to make time for intimacy as a couple. The two of you need to reinforce your relationship and commitment so that the stresses and changes brought about by the traveling don't undermine the foundation of your marriage.

It is important that you both enjoy the visit. Find a way to accomplish the "chores" involved with running a household and raising children, while still having fun together as a family and as individuals.

Couples who are able to successfully navigate through these various issues have the ability to strengthen their family ties and develop skills and talents that may have been hidden. But it requires flexibility, commitment, trust, support and understanding. The spouse that stays at home may have added responsibilities but the traveling spouse has additional stressors also. They are away from their home, their comfortable bed, their loved ones and their support system. They are spending countless hours in airports affected by uncertain airline schedules and weather issues. They are trying to navigate traffic in unfamiliar cities and adapting to working with (and for), new people. So be empathetic on both sides; it isn't easy for either of you!

However, you may find that traveling forces you to do a better job of communicating and can actually enhance your relationship by requiring you to rely on, trust and respect one another's abilities as well as reassessing your family's' priorities. Changes are never easy in life, but they often enrich and improve us in ways we never expected.

More tips for the non-traveling partner:

• If you want something from your partner—ask them. Don’t complain every time they go and moan about them having been gone when they return. If you would like them to reduce their travel, ask them. You need to realize what you are willing and not willing to accept around this issue. Once you decide to accept a certain degree of travel, accept it with a good spirit.
• Welcome your partner home. There’s nothing worse than being gone for several days, walking into your home and no one even says hello. Stop what you’re doing and greet your partner with a hug and kiss. If this feels crazy, chances are you and your partner are already distant. Pay attention to this distance so you can get back on track.
• Whenever possible, be willing to travel with your partner and enjoy a great trip.

Traveling can be hard on couples if they don’t pay attention to the little touches. Don’t get into bad habits. It’s best to start with ground rules from the beginning so everyone knows what to expect. If one partner begins to feel resentful about the traveling, both need to sit down together and discuss it. Both partners need to be willing to periodically evaluate how the travel is going and what, if any, changes need to be made. If you both tackle the traveling issue as a team there will be less resentment and less stress. Remember you’re both on the same team. Put your heads together and determine what steps you need to put into play for your family. Continue to reassess and readjust as necessary.

So, embrace this period and use it to learn, grow and strengthen yourselves, your marriage and your family. You just may find that you love and appreciate one another more than you realized.

TIME with your partner is so important

We live in a relationally time starved world with many of us feeling pressed to find quality moments for our spouse, children, friends and family. Just how much time does it take to stay in love for a life time? The minimum time commitment to maintain the connectedness and closeness for a healthy strong marriage can be summarized with the word T.I.M.E.

Ten – twenty minutes to talk together alone everyday. It is amazing how just making time to talk about things more important than who is going to pick up the milk will reconnect and rekindle your hearts. Many of the most happily married couples, those with a spark in their eyes even after 30, 40, 50 years together, have found the magic in the small things: a cup of coffee and conversation in the morning or a walk around the block in the evening. Talk to each other about your days, your jobs, your interests and hobbies, dreams, concerns, and fears. Share your world with each other and be a part of each other’s world in every way possible. Make time to connect with each other each day and get to know each other more and more. Wake up earlier or stay up later, do whatever you need to do to spend as much time as you can with each other. If you can spend an extra 2 minutes in the morning with your partner, then do it! When not together, send each other sweet notes and thoughts of one another.

Invest in a weekly date night (or date breakfast or lunch) together for at least 4 hours. Invest time to spend with each other and experience new things together that brings you closer to each other or do something together that your partner enjoys.

Make a monthly day away policy. At least once a month spend 6 - 10 uninterrupted hours together. This can be anything you both enjoy. Try a new sport or hobby to create some common bonds.

Escape! Try to get away from it all for a 24- 48 hours twice a year—or at minimum once a year for your anniversary!

It’s important to learn new tools and skills to have a rewarding relationship, so spend time together reading a relationship and marriage book together or do it alone and share what you learn with your partner. Use these learned skills and tools in your relationship and you can learn how important your relationship’s success and time with each other can become.   

The secret of staying in love--Intimacy--

To experience intimacy, we must be able to touch our partner emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Here are some of the strands that make up the bond of intimacy between a husband and wife.

·         Physical touching of an affectionate, non-sexual nature

·         Shared feelings

·         Closeness without inhibitions

·         Absence of psychological defenses

·         Open communication and honesty

·         Intellectual agreement on major issues

·         Spiritual harmony

·         Sensitive appreciation of the mate’s physical and emotional responses

·         Similar values held

·         Imparted secrets

·         Genuine understanding

·         Mutual confidence

·         A sense of warmth, safety, and relaxation when together

·         Sensuous nearness

·         Sexual pleasures lovingly shared

·         Signs of love freely given and received

·         Mutual responsibility and caring

·         Abiding trust

·         An “understanding without words”

·         Staying away from hindrances and behaviors that hurt marriage relationship

·         Meeting needs

·         Staying in tune with each other and each other’s world

A love affair with your spouse…it can happen to you!

There are principles a husband and wife can use in marriage that will not just hold your marriage together, but also unite you and your mate as lovers in a relationship that becomes more wonderful every day. Are you ready to start and continue a love affair with your husband or wife?

A love affair, born out of commitment, encompasses far more than just commitment. The thrill of romance, the pleasure of friendship, the tranquility of belonging, and the sweetness of intimacy must be an integral part of marriage in order to have a marriage like no other.

Learn the principles below and apply all of them to your marriage each and every day. An intimate relationship seldom improves spontaneously and a troubled relationship almost never gets better on its own. There is no happiness pill to having a happy marriage, but if you follow the principles below, you can learn how to love in such a way that there will be a responding love from your partner. If you have a good relationship now, it will become so much better that you will be thrilled and amazed.  

·         Cleave to your partner. Drawing you together and cementing your relationship.

·         Make your relationship a #1 priority. Provide the right emotional climate always.

·         The gift of belonging. Give yourself to each other in mind, body, and spirit.

·         Good feelings will come after good behaviors. Good behaviors lead the good feelings. If you’re not in love, practice meeting needs and good behaviors.

·         Become best friends. Cherish friendship.

·         Learn how to love in ways that speaks love and meets needs.

·         A positive sexual relationship. Usually this occurs when all other areas are solid.

·         Romantic love. A learned response to the way your partner looks and feels. Thinking about your partner and concentrating on positive experiences and pleasures. Anticipating future pleasures. The frequency and intensity of these positive, warm, erotic, tender thoughts about your partner will govern your success in falling in love and staying in love.

·         Agape love. Giving 100% always and focusing on your partner’s happiness and wellbeing. Unconditional giving and consistently behaving with love no matter how you feel.

·         Secret of staying in love is intimacy. To touch emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally throughout your marriage.

·         BEST. Blessing. Edifying. Sharing. Touch.

·         Remove barriers. Win the “war” with no war.

A love affair between husband and wife must be kept in constant repair and always on the growing edge. If you want to master the art of loving and want to obtain the rewards of a tremendously happy marriage, you are going to have to learn the principles of building love into your marriage and practice them on a daily basis. Above all, you must want to learn and be willing to pour your very life into it. It is worth the effort.

10 ways to have a great marriage

1)      Make your relationship your #1 priority and keep it your # 1 priority.

2)     Learn and meet each other’s needs and speak each other’s love language. Men, read and learn about women and understand them and their needs. Women, read and learn about men and understand them and their own needs. # 1 key to success!

3)     Learn about each other daily and be a part of each other’s world.

4)     Always remember to be a team. Especially, when it comes to money, in laws, parenting, and your home.

5)     Give! Stop worrying about what your partner isn’t doing and focus on what you can do. Be positive and focus on the positive, not the negative! Don't take each other for granted.

6)     Be desirable through your thoughts, words, and actions. Watch your behaviors and eliminate the behaviors’ that makes you less desirable to your partner. Learn new behavior’s that brings you closer to each other.

7)     Show affection throughout the day and look good for each other.

8)    Make sure to have alone time together and make a plan to keep it going.

9)     Maintain a close friendship and have fun with each other.

10) Communicate in a healthy way and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Stay away from 4 dangerous behaviors: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling (usually, men do this last one).

Why men cheat?

Experts have different opinions why men cheat. Of course there are men out there who choose to cheat because they care more about themselves then their partner and choose to be unfaithful. Then there are men who cheat because they have a powerful role and some powerful men sometimes feel an unwarranted sense of entitlement. When a person is in a high position of power, especially a man, there is a sense of entitlement and a sense of being...above the law because of the importance of what they do - because of the importance of who they are. However there are many more men out there that cheat because they are missing something physically, mentally, or emotionally in their relationship with someone. This “someone” may be with themselves or their partner.

It is important to understand that many men cheat because men need validation. When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he's very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need…it is more about what they need.  

5 ways to better communicate with your man & 6 ways to fight better

5 ways to better communicate with your man

1)      Put the point up front and get to the point.

2)     Use fewer words by stating the point and stopping.

3)     Talk in his language by understanding him and what he may need or be looking for.

4)     Give him time to respond and think about what was said by you.

5)     Watch your timing.  Football game  + talking about a problem = L

6 tips for “fighting better/less” with your man

1)      Take the lead. Tell him what your needs are.

2)     Use your listening skills and listen more than you talk.

3)     Consider both sides and give him the benefit of the doubt.

4)     Use soft start-ups and be positive verses negative.

5)     Use feminine strengths-your touch and warmth.

6)     Pile on compliments throughout the days.

The secrets of happily married women...how to get more out of your relationship by doing less

“Happily married women are the ones who know how, seemingly effortlessly, to shape the kind of loving relationship they desire. They have mastered the magic of touching a man so deeply that he wants to be more—he wants to be better.”

Secret 1: Know your husband

Understand his true nature and then use that information to your advantage. There are many reasons why men see the world differently than women, and knowing those differences give women the remarkable opportunity to get exactly what they want and need out of their marriages. Get a snapshot of who your husband really is. With that understanding, you will soon be doing less work and getting more love.

Men need respect and need to feel cared for.

Men need acknowledgement of their efforts.

Men have trouble verbalizing love and regret and communicate differently.  

Men need to protect their families and need and want to work.

Men need to be in control and not have you take all the control from them.

Men need action and want to be better for their families.

(Most good men)

Secret 2: Nurture his needs and yours

Understand his needs by first asking him what his needs are to meet. Next, nurture his needs and make them a priority. Remember the saying “give and you shall receive”? If you give to someone genuine happiness by catering to that person’s needs (even when you don’t always agree or fully understand), you are far more likely to receive kindness and happiness in return. And when your husband catches on, that your marriage is based on a willingness to understand each other and to respect each other, it won’t be long before his inborn desire to do the same for you blossoms—making your life a whole lot easier. A happy marriage does not keep tally or keep score…they both just give and continue to give every day!

Secret 3: Fight better

Remind yourself before an argument, that you are in this for the long run and that you are obviously going to make up eventually. This can make it easier for you to not argue so much and make up sooner than later. Fight better by realizing arguing is one technique that allows you to learn what you both need out of each other. Men are logical, don’t like to be attacked, and don’t like to argue. When you constantly argue with them and are against them, they will soon stonewall and grow distant from you. Don’t wonder why they are so cold when you have pushed them away over and over again. Be positive, give the benefit of the doubt, understand his side and feelings, be a good listener, and stay calm in heated situations.

Secret 4: Talk less

Women love to talk and it is more than okay to have conversation with our husbands…in fact that is a huge need for most women. However, at the same time we need to learn our husband’s language which is “man-ese”.  Communication is different for men and women. If the conversation is about gossip and things that we normally talk about with our girlfriend’s, and we are going on and on with the same topic…they are going to tune us out. It is just the way men are wired. They are not good at having useless conversations. Remember at times, we need to be short and direct…he should definitely pay more attention to this type of conversation.

Secret 5: Have lots of sex

Sex is the glue that makes the marriage stick. No, it is not everything and you can’t just have good sex. However, it is very important in healthy marriages. Everyone has different sexual needs and you should be in tune with them. You should never neglect sex or use it as a reward. Affection throughout the day and sex are really the glue that makes the marriage stick and makes it better.

Secret 6: Take charge of your own happiness

You can choose to be positive and happy and infect your home with it too. Have realistic expectations in your marriage and know that love changes and has different stages. You will not always be head over heels in love with your spouse. Commitment and mature love does allow you to return to those in love feelings. However, remember, relationships take work and need your time and commitment to maintain a good relationship. The happiness level in your home begins with you.

Secret 7: Heal thyself

You can’t take care of your family if you don’t take good care of yourself. Research says the happiest married women are the women who have positive friends, are physically active, involved in life, and open to spirituality. You cannot feel resentful, victimized, angry, lonely, or depressed as a person and turn around and expect to be a happily married woman. It is impossible. So you have to find ways to increase your level of personal happiness that in ways support your marital happiness. Women who take care of themselves, and feel good about their bodies, are a lot more attractive to their men.

By applying what you have read above, every woman can understand and learn how to bring out the best in a man. You can create more marital happiness and have a more passionate and satisfying relationship. You can better understand why some of the things you do will not get through to your husband and what you can do differently to get better results. Learn your husband and use it to your advantage. Know him well enough to figure out how to get through to him and how to improve your life together through your actions and words. That is what marital happiness is all about!

Ladies...take charge of your marital happiness!

We cannot make our husbands change or act different by nagging or complaining. We cannot help them become happier by nagging or complaining. We can however take charge of the mood that pervades in our marriage and make a conscious effort to build both personal and marital happiness. As your home begins to fill with your positive energy, your own sense of happiness and fulfillment will infect your husband, making you both happier.

The real secret is to “focus on yourself”. The happiest married women are those who have learned the secret of how to “change their spouse”. You can achieve this by focusing on yourself and how you can change your own thoughts, beliefs, words, and behaviors. A wife can change a relationship for the better if she keeps her focus on improving herself—like being on a continual self-improvement program. Any positive change in behavior or response to one’s spouse automatically brings about a change in the dynamics of the relationship. It can help break a downward spiral to get couples back on track, or keep them moving forward toward a more connected and fulfilling relationship.

The happiness level in your home begins with you. You can keep the happiness level high by doing less worrying and complaining about your husband and instead put your energy into what is good for both you and your marriage. This can increase the level of marital bliss for both of you. Focus on the positive and you can see your husband appreciating the effort and beginning to meet more of your needs. Tell your husband what makes you happy and help him identify exactly what makes you happy. Keep in mind, it is important to have realistic expectations when it comes to what happiness really should be.  Remember to pick your battles…not everything is worth an argument.  Make marital happiness your top priority and let go of the negative stuff that clogs up your day and energy.

Fall in love, stay in love

Basic Concept 1: The Love Bank

¢ Our words and actions towards each other.  We need to focus on depositing in the love bank and avoid withdrawals from the love bank.

¢ Almost everything we do affects our love for each other, positively or negatively.

¢ The concepts below will help you make deposits instead of withdrawals into each other’s love bank.

Basic Concept 2:  Insticts & Habits

¢ Instincts are behavioral patterns that we are born with, and habits are patterns we learn.

¢ Our instincts and habits make up most of our behavior, and our behavior makes the deposits and withdrawals.

¢ It’s important to learn the habits that make deposits and avoid withdrawals.

¢ Stop destructive instincts and habits in their tracks. Instincts are harder to stop, but both can be avoided.

Basic Concept 3: The Most Important Emotional Needs

¢ You must learn and meet each other’s most important emotional needs.  

¢ Do what makes each other happy and avoid doing what makes each other unhappy.

¢ Speak each other’s love language. 

¢ Stay on the rewarding cycle and energizing cycle by meeting each others needs. Avoid the crazy cycle by making meeting needs a priority. The crazy cycle is the woman's cry for love and the man's cry for respect. Making sure both are always given avoids the crazy cycle.  

Basic Concept 4: The Policy of Undivided Attention

¢ Give your spouse a min of 15 hours a week, using time to meet emotional needs.  Make time alone a high priority.

¢ This policy will help you avoid a big mistake of neglecting each other. This is a necessary ingredient in marriage.

¢ Without time for undivided attention, you will not be able to avoid love busters and negotiate effectively.

Basic Concept 5:  Love Busters

¢ Guard your account in your spouse’s love bank from withdrawals by paying close attention to how your everyday behavior can make each other unhappy.

¢ By eliminating love busters you will be protecting your spouse’s love for you.

¢ Avoid disrespect, dishonesty, nagging, yelling, arguing, demanding, selfishness.

Little things have a BIG impact on marital happiness

Many are unaware of the importance of generosity to a successful marriage. It is far more important than the general population may expect.  What kind of things do you say and do each day to make your spouse feel special and appreciated? Do you express affection freely and frequently? Showing affection throughout the day makes you feel connected and loving. How are you generous in spirit? I don’t mean giving extravagant gifts. It’s all about the small things to make them feel loved.

The happiest married couples are those who are generous with each other. What could you do for your spouse that you are not currently doing? This type of generosity is selfless. There is no motive in its giving. It is truly about making your spouse feel special and appreciated. Each day, there are so many ways to bring these feelings to your spouse. The amazing part about it is, not only does your spouse feel lucky to have you, you feel great to give and give some more! It’s not always easy to be generous to a spouse, and many concur with this advice. However, giving this way has a big impact on marital happiness and research has proven it. All the more reason to do it!

Think each day, what can you do to make your spouse feel special, loved, and appreciated?

The Art of Love & Intimacy

How to maintain intimacy?

Making each other feel special, loved, appreciated and desired is a necessity to maintain sizzle and passion. This is especially true for a woman and if you light your woman's fire, she will light yours in return and vice versa. Men also need intimacy, but may not be as much aware of their need and it may not be as important to them personally in regard to sex. Women need to feel loved, valued, special, intimate and listened to with their partner for sex to be at its best. If she feels these things, it will unleash her inhibitions, desires and passion. She will desire her lover more deeply and be more willing to pleasure her lover in the way he desires.

The key is to nurture yourself, your partner and the relationship. If you want your relationship to be intimate, love and respect one another, do your best to meet each other's needs, share dreams and feelings, and avoid giving in to the intimacy killers. All relationships go through ebbs and tides. Remember…do well and good for each other and instead of sink holes; you’ll have speed bumps.

Sex without intimacy eventually becomes shallow and unfulfilling. You may get away with it for a while, but eventually the relationship will die, if intimacy is not nurtured. The deeper your intimacy is in your relationship the more explosive and satisfying the sex will be. When sex is explosive and mind blowing, it cements you to your lover in a very powerful way and thus opens the door for more intimacy. Therefore, intimacy and great sex feed each other in a reciprocal relationship.

Many people do not understand why their relationship falls apart or why sex is not very good anymore. A lot of times it is because they have fallen into a rut and begun to take each other for granted. They have stopped sharing with each other intellectually and emotionally so intimacy has been lost, thus the passion in their sex becomes lost as well.

A lot of people think that when this happens that it means they should leave the relationship and find someone new, but that is not the case. Sure, with someone new there will be excitement and passion because it is new, but it too will fade away once the novelty wears off, if they do not build and maintain intimacy. They don't realize that the same passion and excitement that they felt earlier in the relationship can be recaptured by building intimacy, through expressing affection and love and by rediscovering each other and their needs and desires more deeply, then meeting these needs.

Taking each other for granted is deadly to a relationship. If intimacy, passion, excitement and adventure are not maintained then boredom will ensue. One of the main causes of unfaithfulness is sexual boredom. Another cause is not meeting each other's sexual or emotional needs. One or both partners may start to look to someone else to meet their needs and provide passion, not realizing that they could solve their problem if only they would turn back to their lover, deepen their intimacy, explore each other's desires and needs more deeply and engage in some spontaneous, adventurous sexual activities. Getting to know your lover more intimately both emotionally and sexually will enable you to know what their desires and needs are, and therefore meet them more effectively, increasing satisfaction in the relationship.

Marriage can be a great partnership, and still lack intimacy, and that is a knife that cuts both ways. Experts say if you want to gauge the level of intimacy in your relationship, consider the amount of time you spend with a locked gaze. Eye contact is absolutely essential to maintaining intimacy in a relationship. Men and women both need to know that hugging, kissing, and even fair fighting are just as important to maintaining intimacy. Also, it’s not if you fight, it is how you fight.

Focus on the positive in your relationship. Accept your partner and don’t focus on the negative things. Instead, bring light to all the wonderful things about each other and continue to remember all of the positive things about each other. Focusing on the negative or things that you don’t like so much will do so much harm to your relationship.



Remember these behaviors below to increase intimacy and maintain intimacy in your relationship:

LOCK LIPS
Kissing releases oxytocin (the neurochemical that makes you feel bonded) and decreases cortisol levels, so it may also reduce stress.

MAKE SMALL CONNECTIONS
Intimacy is established by the little things we do throughout the day. Think of a way each day to make your partner feel loved, appreciated, special, cherished, and not taken for granted!

DEVELOP EXCITEMENT AND ANTICIPATION
Re-create that excitement and anticipation that you had in the beginning by spending fun time together, experiencing new things together, learning about each other together, and sharing in each other’s world. Never have separate worlds! Stay interested in what your partner has going on and learn about their world, dreams, goals, feelings, interests, job, hobbies, and friends.

OPEN YOUR EYES
To be truly intimate, you need to look your partner in the eyes. Open your eyes during conversation and during sex. Eye contact usually denotes connection. Also, open your eyes in your relationship and ask yourself what behaviors you are using to create and maintain intimacy.

FIGHT IT OUT THE RIGHT WAY
It’s not if you argue sometimes, it is how. Do you argue with contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and harsh names? Vent your frustrations without making it unsafe for your partner to talk to you. Communicate in a way that shows you care how the other feels and that you want to be okay together in the next few minutes. Fights usually happen when the woman does not feel loved and the man does not feel respected.



How to destroy intimacy?

Do you really understand what kills intimacy? As human beings, we all have a built in need to be close to someone. But often the very thing we desire is the opposite of what we have. Some of us subconsciously sabotage the relationships we want because of our fear of intimacy. Sometimes we unknowingly and unwillingly drift apart because of our inability to allow ourselves to open up to intimacy. Others avoid intimacy because they carry the baggage of past failures. Intimacy, physical and emotional closeness, is tough to navigate. It takes skill, hard work and commitment. True intimacy is difficult to achieve, but who says the best gifts come easy?

Here are 10 “Intimacy Killers”. While it is often not good to focus on the negative, in this regard it is beneficial to point things out that if you recognize yourself doing one or more of these you can reflect on what you can do to change behaviors.


Ten intimacy killers to avoid:

1. Lies
It only takes one lie to destroy the trust in a relationship. To be close to someone, we need to be able to share what is true and real about us. And we must be willing to hear someone else's truth. Sometimes we think that it is best to not say anything at all if it means it may hurt our partner. So we silently hang on to our truth or share our truth with the wrong people. When we do this, there is no opportunity for the relationship to grow with integrity. Most times it is all a matter of timing. If you need to talk, pick a proper time and open up.

2. Loss of trust
Sometimes there is no dishonesty in the relationship, but still a lack of trust has developed. Perhaps real trust has never been a part of your life or relationship. Maybe a painful event in life has fractured your ability to trust. A person must heal from their past and base their decision to trust someone on the overall actions of a person. Consider all people trustworthy until proven otherwise and release the past baggage.

3. A compelling need to change the other and being negative
Real intimacy means acceptance. Having acceptance of yourself and your partner is a powerful indicator of intimate love. It does not mean you have to like everything, but you need to let go of the need to change another person. When we lack acceptance of another person's qualities, our tendency is to control. That control manifests itself in subliminal frustration. Even subtle pressuring people to change will lead to frustration-on both parties. This frustration can fester until it eats away at the core of the relationship. But before you can feel close to another person, you must unconditionally accept who you are with all your faults and qualities.

4. Inability to express your needs and feelings
Unfortunately most of us do not have the power to read minds. Therefore, we have to rely on our partners to communicate with us and vice versa. It is each person’s duty to express his or her needs and feelings. By sharing who we are and what's important to us, we significantly increase our chances of having our needs met. If we repress our needs and feelings, we block the other person out of our world, and make intimacy impossible. Quiet private talk over a meal or during a drive is a good place to begin to change this behavior. Another skill is being able to “read” the other person. If you or your partner cannot express outwardly feelings, neither one of you will be able to read the other. Learn to understand your partner.

5. Not honestly listening
Many of us have no problem talking, but listening poses more of a challenge. Really listening is important as all interpersonal communications. As silly as it seems, it could be why we were given two ears and one mouth. The key to listening is acknowledging what we have heard consciously. Are you really hearing what your partner is saying? Or are you thinking about how your partner is wrong or how you want to defend yourself? If your partner is constantly communicating the same need or feeling to you over and over, chances are you are not hearing your partner with your heart. Listen with your heart!

6. Being self-centered
The minute you decide to enter into a committed relationship, you must set aside self-centeredness. Intimacy requires there to be a balance between self, the other person and the relationship. It's not about just you anymore. You have to take the feelings and needs of the other person and the relationship into consideration. You must become and maintain the sum of what you are together. Decisions about money, routines, free time, children, time, etc. now have to include your partner's input. Remember to always give 100% and not 50%. When you “keep score” of what your partner has done for you lately, you will never have a rewarding relationship.

7. Lack of respect
If you lack respect for your partner, your intimate life will suffer. To respect means you hold a high opinion and high value of both yourself and your partner. You appreciate and show consideration for all people, not just your partner. The closeness of intimacy needs a general feeling of respect for self and your partner. It also means you need to behave in a way that deserves respect. You cannot expect your partner to respect you if your actions do not warrant respect. Respect means, “honor”. You honor others as well as being honorable yourself. This one factor applies to all interactions between people.

8. Angry arguments and love busters
All couples have disagreements. The intimacy in your relationship will suffer if you let your arguments get out of hand. Loud angry words, unresolved festering arguments, and inflicting emotional and physical pain will destroy intimacy. Couples that are close learn how to respectfully and healthily resolve their arguments. Talking, not shouting is the only way to keep a lid on disagreements and avoid hurtful behaviors that damage intimacy. Love busters are the behavior’s that ruins your spouse’s love for you. Be aware of these behaviors.

9. Lack of touch
Although physical intimacy is just a part of total intimacy, it is a very important part. If you don't make a point to hug, kiss, and experience sexual intimacy, your level of intimacy will be affected. You can still be close, but touch adds extra feelings of warmth, safety and love. This is an aspect that if practiced everyday will maintain intimacy. If you do not have regular touch with your partner, as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult to regain those physical feeling between partners.

10. Daily separate lives
Many couples, slowly over time, begin to live separate lives. Either their differences separate them or unawareness or lack of intention causes them to drift apart. Intimacy requires people to spend time together and share in each other's life.


A relationship is like a garden. You need to take the time to weed, fertilize and water your garden. In other words, it requires time, love, and a commitment to keep the bad to a minimum.