Keeping your husband first

Have you ever watched or experienced in your own relationship what happens when babies arrive? Too many times a husband gets pushed out of his first-place position and has to resign himself to playing second fiddle. Obviously, a child requires more time and energy than a grown man, but it is the skillful wife who reassures her guy that he is still number one in her heart and she shows it every day.  

In one study, over 6000 couples were interviewed when they had no children and again five years later after they became parents. The finding showed that after becoming parents, couples expressed a significant drop in marital satisfaction. A more encouraging survey showed that out of 250 couples studied, 20 percent of them experienced notable improvement after having children. So one way or another, having children will affect your marriage relationship. Question is, will you make a decision to be in that 20 percent that notices an improvement? How you say? By keeping daddy first.

Keeping Daddy First

One of the best ways for keeping daddy first in your home is to have a plan. Below are different ways that you can help your husband feel like the king of his castle regardless of how many princes and princesses are vying for your attention.

Get away: Get away for a night or weekend alone a few times a year.    

Get creative: Have a date night once a week. It does not have to be expensive. Learn about him and his world and focus on each other only.

Get lovey-dovey: When your husband comes home from work, stop what you’re doing and give him a big hug and kiss! Be glad he is home! At bedtime, make sure your child sleeps in their own bed…not yours, between you and your husband.  

Get intentional: Be intentional about looking for ways to let your husband know that he is still # 1 in your book.

Get personal: Have conversations that are not always focused on the children. Learn more about him and his world.

Get involved: In order to help your husband feel needed, involve him in taking care of the children.

Get practical: If your sex life takes a dip for a few months after the arrival of a new baby, make sure your husband knows it is not a sign of rejection but of exhaustion. Then, think of some practical ways to reignite the flame. Be creative and romantic. Meet his need and your responsibility for sexual fulfillment.  

So many couples invest most of their time and energy into raising their children. Schedules revolve around soccer practice, ball games, and school activities. ROMANCE is placed on the back burner, and the marriage relationship is placed on hold for a more “convenient time”. Then one day, when the kids are gone, the couple rolls over in bed and realizes they are living with a stranger and fell out of love.

Your actions in your relationship today determine your tomorrow.  

Motherhood is one of the most important roles we will ever fill. We have the responsibility of shaping and molding our children. However, as a wife, your first priority should be to love, honor, and cherish your husband—putting your marriage relationship first before your relationship with your children. A mother should never feel guilty for putting her husband before her children. Giving them the security of knowing that their parents love each other is one of the best gifts she can give them in the long run. Stay focused on your relationship and allow for a rock-solid marriage. Don’t wait until the kids are gone to try and catch up for missed years.

God first, husband second, children third is the key to a well ordered life…not just for a period of time, but for “as long as we both shall live”.

Make each day count. Right now, your marriage is becoming what it is going to be. Keep your husband first and make sure he knows it through your actions and words.

Learn about your husband

How much do you really know about your husband? Do you know what your husband’s needs are? Do you know what makes him feel respected, loved, appreciated, and fulfilled? When was the last time you asked him how you can make him happier, therefore making your relationship better and you happier? Do you know about his world? Do you ask about his days and actively listen to his worries? Do you take an interest in what he does at work? Are you there to support him for who he is and not what you want him to be? Do you nag less and love more? Are you a part of his interests and share any hobbies with him?

Take the time out to learn about him and take joy in figuring out the puzzle of who he is. You will only know him like a book if you take the time to really know him. Whether you are using a telescope to get the big picture or a microscope for close examination, pay close attention to the needs, desires, joys, and sorrows of your man. Look closely at his heart and adore him. Don’t be selfish and worry about what he has not done for you lately. Be selfless and treat him the way he dreams of. I bet in return you will be happier and more satisfied than before.

Many women believe they know enough about their husbands, but there is always more to learn and grow from. Learning about him and continuing to learn about him ensures a happy and fulfilling husband, wife, and relationship. Explore with him, learn with him, be his closest confidante. Simply stated, learn and understand your husband. It’s not all about you and understanding your wants and needs. What about him? If you think you “know enough", than learn more. Learning about your husband can be so fulfilling and rewarding. Know your husband.

Marriage books that I have read, researched, and learned from

• The proper care and feeding of husbands: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• The proper care and feeding of marriage: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• Woman power: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• Stop whining, start living: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• Love & Respect: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

• Motivating your man God’s way: Emerson Egerrichs

• The 5 love languages: Gary Chapman

• His needs, her needs: Willard Harley

• Fall in love, stay in love: Willard Harley

• Sacred influence-what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants: Gary Thomas

• Blessing your husband-understanding and affirming your man: Debra Evans

• What a husband needs from his wife-physically, emotionally, spiritually: Melanie Chitwood

• Women have all the power, too bad they don't know it: Michael Lockwood

• Starting your marriage right-what you need to know in the early years to make it last a lifetime: Dennis Rainy & Barbara Rainey

• Act like a lady, think like a man-what men really think about love, relationships, intimacy, and commitment: Steve Harvey

• The conversation-how black men and women can build loving trusting relationships: Hill Harper

• For women only-what you need to know about the inner lives of men: Shaunti Feldhahn

• The seven principles for making marriage work: John Gottman

• Every man a hero, every woman a coach: Joel Orr

• Light his fire: Ellen Kreidman

• Becoming the woman of his dreams-seven qualities every man longs for: Sharon Jaynes

• The secrets of happily married women-how to get more out of your relationship by doing less: Scott Haltzman MD

More to come...

Safe communication

We have to have safe and healthy communication in order to safeguard our relationship. John Gottman, author of “The seven principles for making marriage work” stated in his book that he studied hundreds of married couples and could tell which ones would divorce just by the way they argued. It goes back to having an emotionally intelligent relationship and not letting the four horsemen in-criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Yes, sometimes it can be very hard to be calm when communicating with our partners. However, you have to remember you both are a TEAM.

Ladies, you want to be able to LISTEN to him and create a safe environment for him to talk to you. If you act defensive and only care about me, me , me…he won’t want to talk to you. So either way, you will lose. When you find yourself getting frustrated and fed up, recall what your husband most needs from you: your understanding, acceptance, and approval-not for what he has done, but for who he is.

Focus on being a team and having fair negotiation. If absolutely needed, say what is on your mind, recommend a possibility of a solution and then move on.  Sometimes there is no solution to a problem and sometimes there is. (Read my marital conflict blog) Why not keep your lips buttoned over things that really don’t matter? Sometimes we need to deal with our own emotions and not expect our husbands to work them out for us. Look at the bigger picture and focus on peace and happiness.   

You have to have to be responsible for your emotions and have control over your emotions. Be direct with communication and don’t think he knows it all or knows what you are saying or want. Keep requests short and sweet, sometimes a man can get lost in them. Ask for something nicely not threatening. Don’t be so demanding and selfish.  

Men are beaten down by the relentless argument. Don’t pay back unkind words with unkind words. Instead, pay them back with kind words. Make a concerted effort to speak respectfully, rather than just going with your emotions, this will ward off hurt feelings and harsh words being said between you both. Don’t get stuck on how you feel. Try to understand his heart, even in his wrongdoings. The mindset that the man is mostly to blame is going to be very difficult to overcome, if it can even be overcome. Wives have a part of the husband’s wrongdoing and need to ask how we are a part of it, not why.

Refuse to nurture feelings of self-pity, resentment, emotional dependency, and dissatisfaction. You can ease conflict through improved communication. Each spouse needs to learn to develop the capacity for seeing beyond his or her own viewpoint in order to understand where the other is coming from. The next time you are tempted to “think small”, try to envision the bigger picture instead. So-called communication problems are generally that we are not talking about the current moment, the current moment is just a trigger for a memory. Knowing this helps avoid heated conversations.

KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Privacy in your relationship

Stop telling everyone about your relationship. Ladies, stop relying on other women to help you fix your problems. I’m not saying we can’t ever talk to friends and family and vent from time to time. I’m saying that the relationship between husband and wife is sacred and private. Your family and friends should not be involved in your relationship. Other people involved in your relationship leads to more tension, resentment, and problems. Besides, have you ever thought about how your partner would feel about you mentioning details and issues about your relationship? Many men out there feel it is disrespectful.

To be quite frank with you, most women are giving you bad advice anyways. Most women have little understanding about men, and these are the women giving advice. It takes a special woman to keep her relationship sacred, private, and protected. Tell God your problems, not your girlfriends and family.    


From time to time, a man wants to communicate on an intimate level with his wife. The more we listen with our hearts, the more they will speak from their hearts. In order for this level of communication to take place, a man must feel completly safe, trusting that you would never divulge a confidence or share his heart with anyone else. If he does not have that assurance, you most likely will not have the honor of engaging in the deepest level of intimate friendship. When a man feels he can share his heart without betrayal, judgement, or condemenation, he will take his woman to new depths of his soul that many leave unexplored. So, listen uninterrupted with your heart and mind. Ask open ended questions and engage. Don't judge or offer opinions and advice...unless he asks for it. Be a great listener and a great friend to your husband. Most of all, keep your conversations and relationship private and sacred among all other things. 

We verses me

A good marriage is about seeing your-selves as a team, not as competitors or enemies.

When you are married, all of your efforts should go towards taking care of each other’s needs.

During tough times, you may want to pull apart. This is the wrong thing to do. This is the time husband and wife should entwine arms and defend against the bad and ugly together. Most issues are temporary if you cling to each other rather than the alternative.

A good start to not taking a marital partner for granted is to think in we terms more often than me terms. It is good to have different hobbies and interests, but it is a bad mistake to selfishly guard your right to do and be what you want without respect for your duties as a spouse.

Gently nudging as opposed to screaming, ranting, and threatening, is what helps a spouse grow in the us/we department. Selfishness is generally a lifelong characteristic and requires gentle nudging before and enthusiastic kudos after to help someone grow into being joyous about giving without feeling as though they are giving up something more important than themselves.

The key to the frustration with one’s spouse is the difference between expectation and reality. When there is a basis of trust, honor, and devotion people can weather the storms together.

Teamwork and your union should be in your mind and heart.

The most important thing in a marriage is not ME but US. Give more than you can get.

Your spouse is NOT your enemy.

When life turns you a curveball, you don’t turn on each other; you are a team facing challenges together.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Me, me, me

Some women expect to be cherished, protected, and provided for by a man without that man enjoying the depth of passion that makes him feel loved, needed, wanted, adored, and ultimately accepted; that doesn’t work for long. A man needs the physical to feel connected emotionally to his woman, and by extension, the family. Any woman who dismisses that truth about her man will lose her man—even if he doesn’t walk out the door until the children are in college.

For the most part, the insecurity that many women have has everything to do with their underlying recognition that they are not behaving in a way that bonds their men to them.

It is the people who relish hanging on to the hurts and the power that gives them over their spouse, that never salvage nor create beauty in their marriages. 

JUST DO what you know your spouse needs and wants to feel important to you-what you know any woman or man would appreciate. (No nagging or drama, being happy, loyal to bond with him before other family, respectful, understanding, supportive, affectionate, a friend and helper, making him feel number one, intimate physically, emotionally and spiritually, interested in his world, good communication, spending time with him, and providing a fun and peaceful home) Being lovingly in these ways will be reciprocated.

Your husband is your family first, and holds a more important position than your extended family.

It is the woman who rules the relationship and the home. When we use this power well, we end up with a man who is very happy and blessed. Make him say: she doesn’t nag, she has confidence in herself, and she doesn’t make me cringe by playing emotional mind games and emotional traps. 

There might be a logical explanation for things going wrong. Don’t assume your spouse is out to hurt you. One absolutely necessity in any marriage is the inherent belief that the other has your best interest at heart. So, please always leave room for benefit of the doubt. Don’t panic and let your emotions run crazy.

No one can yank a happy spouse from your arms, so keep your spouse feeling loved and valued.

You can definitely cause your spouse to love you less if you are continuously hurtful, disrespectful, and not cautious about their feelings. Make sure you are thinking about longevity in your marriage before you open your mouth. An argument takes two. You can decide to be calm, non-defensive, reasonable, understanding, and compassionate. You can alone change the destiny of your marriage. Dedicate yourself to not getting stuck in the fray. You will find that no matter the subject, no matter how high the emotions, you will be able to create a better environment for working out problems. You will be amazed how dramatically different and better your relationship will be.

If you love your husband so much and want to change and be a better wife, practice the change and it will become almost natural. Learn not to be selfish, self-centered, and focusing on primarily “what’s in it for me”.

Don’t focus on how “my needs are being met”. Do prioritize the needs of the union—you are now us/we and not me.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

The gift of giving

Giving is about giving 100% to each other unconditionally every day.  It is thinking about what you can do each day to make your partner feel happy and loved by you. It can be small or big…anything that you know would make them feel so special.  Buying lunch and bringing it to them, buying them something they would love at the store, making them their favorite dinner, running an errand for them, doing something together that they enjoy, stocking a favorite drink or snack, getting something done for them. It’s about making them feel special. There are a ton of different things we can do each day to make the person we love feel special. It is about making their life easier and more enjoyable in every way possible. Giving is not about yourself or what you are getting out of it. When you give to someone who you truly love, you get it back in return. If you don’t, maybe you’re really not giving.


Obligations and responsibilities don’t require “feeling like it”, they require honor and compassion. Whether it is sex and affection, showing interest in the activities and passions of your spouse, giving up something important to you because it would make family peace and a happy spouse, you are required by your vows to function out of commitment, rather than running on your own immediate needs or feelings. Giving when you don’t feel like it, is the best route to a wonderful closeness and the most intimate feelings that are unimaginable if you focus in on only what suits you.

Treat your spouse like the catch that they are, do not let careers and hobbies get in the way of time together, don’t let debt and possessions possess you and bring turmoil and blame, don’t use your spouse when you need what you need and then ignore them and their needs, leaving them to fend for themselves until you get lonely and need something for yourself again; don’t be haughty and lazy about the priority of love in marriage and your responsibility to make them feel loved and important to you and the family.

You will begin to feel happier in your marriage simply by focusing in on the good and the great instead of how your attention is generally drawn toward the negative and annoying trivialities. The second thing that will happen is that you will ignite a loving reaction from your spouse that will keep your marriage warm for a long time.

If you are going to be happily married, you have to learn emotional self-control. It does not mean that you are letting them get away with anything. To have a lovely marriage, give what is most precious to you. This would be giving your loving, kind self in spite of your fears and hurts. This is the gift of GIVING.

If you didn’t make a mistake in the choice of a spouse, and you really believe that the other person truly lives concerned about your welfare and has the best intentions toward you and has your feelings and your very life in their heart—then there is NO point in being so ferociously defensive, hostile, manipulative about hurt feelings, or apocalyptic about a little spat. At the time you are the angriest, the most resentful, the most irritated, hurt and disillusioned—do something nice for the other person and something magical happens. Just say: You know I am feeling so angry, hurt, upset that I am confused. I do know that I love you, you are wonderful and I want to be calm and comfortable with each other 10 minutes from now. I want you to be happy and to be happy with me. How can I give that to you?    

Altruism, self-sacrifice, makes people happy. It also makes them loved. In order to be loved, you must first love. Love is not about you or what you want; it is about GIVING love without conditions to somebody healthy and kind enough to do the same.

Married people who display frequent altruism toward their spouse have happier marriages. Spouses who have this self-sacrificing “put the interest of the other before my own interests” mentality are happier, and more happily married.

GIVE, GIVE, and GIVE some more of your best self.

Banish two words from your vocabulary: Except and deserve. If you focus on what your partner deserves, you magically get everything you need. That is the gift of GIVING!

REMEMBER: EVERY DAY IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO FORGE A STRONGER BOND BETWEEN YOU BOTH!

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Stopping the negative behavior

Ladies, your responsible for your own happiness.

If you are always negative and weeping, you have no courage or character.

It is a spiritual fact that kindness kills wickedness far more than nagging, complaining, or disrespect.

Let God be God and let him work on things with your husband, instead of complaining. 

Do things without complaining or arguing. Resentment and bitterness will only keep you from being spiritually productive in that relationship.

All of this nagging, nitpicking, and criticizing that men routinely get from their wives results in them trying harder for a little while and then giving up.

Men are impressed by honesty, not manipulation, nagging, yelling, crying, or emotional blackmail.

Men least admire emotional manipulation, complaining, nagging, controlling through hurt or anger, ability to verbally rip apart their soul, having to always get your way, gossip, moodiness, talking to much without solving, emotions that dominate rationality or the truth, constant demand for validation, and not letting the man be a man. 

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

What happens when your relationship doesn’t receive the nurturing it needs?

Most divorces or affairs don’t occur as the result of one big decision; far more often, they take place after a series of mini-separations that lead to the final, permanent destruction of the relationship.

We endanger our marriage when we put it on the shelf--even for only a season--and then expect our spouse to put up with our temporary separation. Whatever causes us to ignore our spouse--work, a sick mother or father, a troubled child, a busy church, a growing ministry--makes little difference to the neglected spouse. If they feel ignored, they become achingly vulnerable. One internet chat, one long lunch at work, one phone call from and old girlfriend, one chance meeting at a sporting event or a business convention, and suddenly they see an “instant cure” for their loneliness—a cure that has potential to destroy your marriage.

We need to understand that marriage provides the foundation for our relational lives. Work is important. Parenting is crucial. Hobbies are healthy. But when work or hobbies or even parenting causes us to neglect our marriage, the whole house may fall down--and often work, parenting, and everything else will come down with it. 

We grow together by degrees, and we grow apart by degrees.   

Not meeting each other needs can lead to a divorce, sooner or later.

Marriage is about choosing to allow the strong points of your marriage to be the dominant points, the areas you choose to focus on. Where you absolutely can’t meet, you find a way to detour. Instead of spending your whole life complaining about what you want, start enjoying what you already have.

God uses your marriage to teach you how to become a better person, how to handle your fears, and how to be less controlling. As you grow in these areas, God will do something wonderful not only in your life, but for your family as well. Persevere, because if you do, you will save you and your hearers.

A lifetime of romance lies hidden in the work of marriage. In your own relationship, you may occasionally feel tempted to “lie down” and get lost in romantic comedies instead of studying how to love a real man or woman. It may seem easier to withdraw from love, to get lazy in your affections, to coast in your marriage--but such an indulgent, soft way of life will ultimately steal your sense of well-being and even your happiness. You’ll lose any romantic feelings you once had for your husband or wife, and you will eventually despise the person you have become. 

God built us in such a way that, early on in a relationship, romance is unearned and often unappreciated. Intimacy is immediate and electric. In a mature marriage, romance is maintained only through hard work, deliberate choices, and concrete actions. You can’t force your feelings, but you can choose to act so that feelings usually follow. If we act like we are in love, we’ll keep falling in love. It is a process of growth--toward each other.

The differences between successful couples and unsuccessful couples are that the successful ones keep getting up and keep dealing with the issues. Unsuccessful couples want it easy. They want it now. They want their needs to be met. They don’t want conflict; they just want everything to be “happy.” This approach is the epitome of immaturity.

The single most horrible problem for marriages today is the lack of understanding, not only of what is needed by a man in a woman, but also what is needed by a woman in a man. The acceptance of the polarity in masculine and feminine is what makes a tight, loving, long-lasting bond.

Marriages are not business arrangements of coworkers or co-owners. Marriages are the joining of two minds, bodies, souls, spirits, hopes, dreams, needs, personalities, and different genders.

A man who is not happily married has faced no validation, no affection, no sex, lots of complaining, chaotic schedules, a lack of a warm home atmosphere, arguments about everything mostly started by being dissatisfied with something, an unhappy wife, payback punitive, hurtful behaviors and words. This is really a woman who has forgotten she can catch more flies with honey.

Most affairs are due to two things. A spouse feeling ignored or a spouse feeling overwhelmed.

(THIOT). The honeymoon is over time. As much as the beloved was idealized early on—their faults are seen with as much intensity. Only because you are choosing to only see the negative in your partner. Change your attitude and change your perception.

75 % of divorces are unnecessary and most people report not being happier after their divorce. A divorce should not be an option, and when it is not, marriage is much more tolerable when you are not looking for the exit door. 

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Checking in with your relationship

Make it a priority from time to time to check in with your wife or husband and ask where their happiness lays? What more can you do to meet their needs; make them happier, and help them feel more loved, respected, and understood? Checking in with each other is very good and very much needed. As we grow together and experience different life changes, our most important emotional needs can shift and change. You can take this time to re-evaluate each other’s needs, see if they have changed, and measure the quality and quantity of meeting those needs. Periodic checkpoints are a must in a marriage relationship.

The magic question is: What would you like me to do that I’m not doing?

Moving and motivating your husband

Weak women forfeit their influence in moving their man. A strong woman impresses her man.

To move your husband you need to have respect, understanding, appreciation, acceptance, affirmation, and admiration.

The way to move your husband is by changing yourself first. When you do what your partner wants and needs you to do, you heal yourself in the process. God gives you your spouse as the person who can fix those things in you that you never thought of fixing.

If you want your husband to move toward you, ask yourself how you are moving toward your husband? You have a commitment to love, pursue, and serve. Treat your spouse as if you loved them with your last breath—no matter how contrary to that you might feel at any one moment.

Think hard every day about how you can make their life worth living.

Be the kind of person you would want to love, hug, come home to, and sacrifice for.

A good woman can have a very positive effect on her husband and family.

A woman has the power to turn a toad into a prince with a kiss and a loving compliment.

Physical attractiveness is only a spark-being cheerful and loving is the flame; being kind, courteous, and respectful.

Most women treat their man like an accessory in their marriage, instead of God’s contribution to their happiness.