Safe communication

We have to have safe and healthy communication in order to safeguard our relationship. John Gottman, author of “The seven principles for making marriage work” stated in his book that he studied hundreds of married couples and could tell which ones would divorce just by the way they argued. It goes back to having an emotionally intelligent relationship and not letting the four horsemen in-criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Yes, sometimes it can be very hard to be calm when communicating with our partners. However, you have to remember you both are a TEAM.

Ladies, you want to be able to LISTEN to him and create a safe environment for him to talk to you. If you act defensive and only care about me, me , me…he won’t want to talk to you. So either way, you will lose. When you find yourself getting frustrated and fed up, recall what your husband most needs from you: your understanding, acceptance, and approval-not for what he has done, but for who he is.

Focus on being a team and having fair negotiation. If absolutely needed, say what is on your mind, recommend a possibility of a solution and then move on.  Sometimes there is no solution to a problem and sometimes there is. (Read my marital conflict blog) Why not keep your lips buttoned over things that really don’t matter? Sometimes we need to deal with our own emotions and not expect our husbands to work them out for us. Look at the bigger picture and focus on peace and happiness.   

You have to have to be responsible for your emotions and have control over your emotions. Be direct with communication and don’t think he knows it all or knows what you are saying or want. Keep requests short and sweet, sometimes a man can get lost in them. Ask for something nicely not threatening. Don’t be so demanding and selfish.  

Men are beaten down by the relentless argument. Don’t pay back unkind words with unkind words. Instead, pay them back with kind words. Make a concerted effort to speak respectfully, rather than just going with your emotions, this will ward off hurt feelings and harsh words being said between you both. Don’t get stuck on how you feel. Try to understand his heart, even in his wrongdoings. The mindset that the man is mostly to blame is going to be very difficult to overcome, if it can even be overcome. Wives have a part of the husband’s wrongdoing and need to ask how we are a part of it, not why.

Refuse to nurture feelings of self-pity, resentment, emotional dependency, and dissatisfaction. You can ease conflict through improved communication. Each spouse needs to learn to develop the capacity for seeing beyond his or her own viewpoint in order to understand where the other is coming from. The next time you are tempted to “think small”, try to envision the bigger picture instead. So-called communication problems are generally that we are not talking about the current moment, the current moment is just a trigger for a memory. Knowing this helps avoid heated conversations.

KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)