Ladies...take charge of your marital happiness!

We cannot make our husbands change or act different by nagging or complaining. We cannot help them become happier by nagging or complaining. We can however take charge of the mood that pervades in our marriage and make a conscious effort to build both personal and marital happiness. As your home begins to fill with your positive energy, your own sense of happiness and fulfillment will infect your husband, making you both happier.

The real secret is to “focus on yourself”. The happiest married women are those who have learned the secret of how to “change their spouse”. You can achieve this by focusing on yourself and how you can change your own thoughts, beliefs, words, and behaviors. A wife can change a relationship for the better if she keeps her focus on improving herself—like being on a continual self-improvement program. Any positive change in behavior or response to one’s spouse automatically brings about a change in the dynamics of the relationship. It can help break a downward spiral to get couples back on track, or keep them moving forward toward a more connected and fulfilling relationship.

The happiness level in your home begins with you. You can keep the happiness level high by doing less worrying and complaining about your husband and instead put your energy into what is good for both you and your marriage. This can increase the level of marital bliss for both of you. Focus on the positive and you can see your husband appreciating the effort and beginning to meet more of your needs. Tell your husband what makes you happy and help him identify exactly what makes you happy. Keep in mind, it is important to have realistic expectations when it comes to what happiness really should be.  Remember to pick your battles…not everything is worth an argument.  Make marital happiness your top priority and let go of the negative stuff that clogs up your day and energy.

Fall in love, stay in love

Basic Concept 1: The Love Bank

¢ Our words and actions towards each other.  We need to focus on depositing in the love bank and avoid withdrawals from the love bank.

¢ Almost everything we do affects our love for each other, positively or negatively.

¢ The concepts below will help you make deposits instead of withdrawals into each other’s love bank.

Basic Concept 2:  Insticts & Habits

¢ Instincts are behavioral patterns that we are born with, and habits are patterns we learn.

¢ Our instincts and habits make up most of our behavior, and our behavior makes the deposits and withdrawals.

¢ It’s important to learn the habits that make deposits and avoid withdrawals.

¢ Stop destructive instincts and habits in their tracks. Instincts are harder to stop, but both can be avoided.

Basic Concept 3: The Most Important Emotional Needs

¢ You must learn and meet each other’s most important emotional needs.  

¢ Do what makes each other happy and avoid doing what makes each other unhappy.

¢ Speak each other’s love language. 

¢ Stay on the rewarding cycle and energizing cycle by meeting each others needs. Avoid the crazy cycle by making meeting needs a priority. The crazy cycle is the woman's cry for love and the man's cry for respect. Making sure both are always given avoids the crazy cycle.  

Basic Concept 4: The Policy of Undivided Attention

¢ Give your spouse a min of 15 hours a week, using time to meet emotional needs.  Make time alone a high priority.

¢ This policy will help you avoid a big mistake of neglecting each other. This is a necessary ingredient in marriage.

¢ Without time for undivided attention, you will not be able to avoid love busters and negotiate effectively.

Basic Concept 5:  Love Busters

¢ Guard your account in your spouse’s love bank from withdrawals by paying close attention to how your everyday behavior can make each other unhappy.

¢ By eliminating love busters you will be protecting your spouse’s love for you.

¢ Avoid disrespect, dishonesty, nagging, yelling, arguing, demanding, selfishness.

Little things have a BIG impact on marital happiness

Many are unaware of the importance of generosity to a successful marriage. It is far more important than the general population may expect.  What kind of things do you say and do each day to make your spouse feel special and appreciated? Do you express affection freely and frequently? Showing affection throughout the day makes you feel connected and loving. How are you generous in spirit? I don’t mean giving extravagant gifts. It’s all about the small things to make them feel loved.

The happiest married couples are those who are generous with each other. What could you do for your spouse that you are not currently doing? This type of generosity is selfless. There is no motive in its giving. It is truly about making your spouse feel special and appreciated. Each day, there are so many ways to bring these feelings to your spouse. The amazing part about it is, not only does your spouse feel lucky to have you, you feel great to give and give some more! It’s not always easy to be generous to a spouse, and many concur with this advice. However, giving this way has a big impact on marital happiness and research has proven it. All the more reason to do it!

Think each day, what can you do to make your spouse feel special, loved, and appreciated?

The Art of Love & Intimacy

How to maintain intimacy?

Making each other feel special, loved, appreciated and desired is a necessity to maintain sizzle and passion. This is especially true for a woman and if you light your woman's fire, she will light yours in return and vice versa. Men also need intimacy, but may not be as much aware of their need and it may not be as important to them personally in regard to sex. Women need to feel loved, valued, special, intimate and listened to with their partner for sex to be at its best. If she feels these things, it will unleash her inhibitions, desires and passion. She will desire her lover more deeply and be more willing to pleasure her lover in the way he desires.

The key is to nurture yourself, your partner and the relationship. If you want your relationship to be intimate, love and respect one another, do your best to meet each other's needs, share dreams and feelings, and avoid giving in to the intimacy killers. All relationships go through ebbs and tides. Remember…do well and good for each other and instead of sink holes; you’ll have speed bumps.

Sex without intimacy eventually becomes shallow and unfulfilling. You may get away with it for a while, but eventually the relationship will die, if intimacy is not nurtured. The deeper your intimacy is in your relationship the more explosive and satisfying the sex will be. When sex is explosive and mind blowing, it cements you to your lover in a very powerful way and thus opens the door for more intimacy. Therefore, intimacy and great sex feed each other in a reciprocal relationship.

Many people do not understand why their relationship falls apart or why sex is not very good anymore. A lot of times it is because they have fallen into a rut and begun to take each other for granted. They have stopped sharing with each other intellectually and emotionally so intimacy has been lost, thus the passion in their sex becomes lost as well.

A lot of people think that when this happens that it means they should leave the relationship and find someone new, but that is not the case. Sure, with someone new there will be excitement and passion because it is new, but it too will fade away once the novelty wears off, if they do not build and maintain intimacy. They don't realize that the same passion and excitement that they felt earlier in the relationship can be recaptured by building intimacy, through expressing affection and love and by rediscovering each other and their needs and desires more deeply, then meeting these needs.

Taking each other for granted is deadly to a relationship. If intimacy, passion, excitement and adventure are not maintained then boredom will ensue. One of the main causes of unfaithfulness is sexual boredom. Another cause is not meeting each other's sexual or emotional needs. One or both partners may start to look to someone else to meet their needs and provide passion, not realizing that they could solve their problem if only they would turn back to their lover, deepen their intimacy, explore each other's desires and needs more deeply and engage in some spontaneous, adventurous sexual activities. Getting to know your lover more intimately both emotionally and sexually will enable you to know what their desires and needs are, and therefore meet them more effectively, increasing satisfaction in the relationship.

Marriage can be a great partnership, and still lack intimacy, and that is a knife that cuts both ways. Experts say if you want to gauge the level of intimacy in your relationship, consider the amount of time you spend with a locked gaze. Eye contact is absolutely essential to maintaining intimacy in a relationship. Men and women both need to know that hugging, kissing, and even fair fighting are just as important to maintaining intimacy. Also, it’s not if you fight, it is how you fight.

Focus on the positive in your relationship. Accept your partner and don’t focus on the negative things. Instead, bring light to all the wonderful things about each other and continue to remember all of the positive things about each other. Focusing on the negative or things that you don’t like so much will do so much harm to your relationship.



Remember these behaviors below to increase intimacy and maintain intimacy in your relationship:

LOCK LIPS
Kissing releases oxytocin (the neurochemical that makes you feel bonded) and decreases cortisol levels, so it may also reduce stress.

MAKE SMALL CONNECTIONS
Intimacy is established by the little things we do throughout the day. Think of a way each day to make your partner feel loved, appreciated, special, cherished, and not taken for granted!

DEVELOP EXCITEMENT AND ANTICIPATION
Re-create that excitement and anticipation that you had in the beginning by spending fun time together, experiencing new things together, learning about each other together, and sharing in each other’s world. Never have separate worlds! Stay interested in what your partner has going on and learn about their world, dreams, goals, feelings, interests, job, hobbies, and friends.

OPEN YOUR EYES
To be truly intimate, you need to look your partner in the eyes. Open your eyes during conversation and during sex. Eye contact usually denotes connection. Also, open your eyes in your relationship and ask yourself what behaviors you are using to create and maintain intimacy.

FIGHT IT OUT THE RIGHT WAY
It’s not if you argue sometimes, it is how. Do you argue with contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and harsh names? Vent your frustrations without making it unsafe for your partner to talk to you. Communicate in a way that shows you care how the other feels and that you want to be okay together in the next few minutes. Fights usually happen when the woman does not feel loved and the man does not feel respected.



How to destroy intimacy?

Do you really understand what kills intimacy? As human beings, we all have a built in need to be close to someone. But often the very thing we desire is the opposite of what we have. Some of us subconsciously sabotage the relationships we want because of our fear of intimacy. Sometimes we unknowingly and unwillingly drift apart because of our inability to allow ourselves to open up to intimacy. Others avoid intimacy because they carry the baggage of past failures. Intimacy, physical and emotional closeness, is tough to navigate. It takes skill, hard work and commitment. True intimacy is difficult to achieve, but who says the best gifts come easy?

Here are 10 “Intimacy Killers”. While it is often not good to focus on the negative, in this regard it is beneficial to point things out that if you recognize yourself doing one or more of these you can reflect on what you can do to change behaviors.


Ten intimacy killers to avoid:

1. Lies
It only takes one lie to destroy the trust in a relationship. To be close to someone, we need to be able to share what is true and real about us. And we must be willing to hear someone else's truth. Sometimes we think that it is best to not say anything at all if it means it may hurt our partner. So we silently hang on to our truth or share our truth with the wrong people. When we do this, there is no opportunity for the relationship to grow with integrity. Most times it is all a matter of timing. If you need to talk, pick a proper time and open up.

2. Loss of trust
Sometimes there is no dishonesty in the relationship, but still a lack of trust has developed. Perhaps real trust has never been a part of your life or relationship. Maybe a painful event in life has fractured your ability to trust. A person must heal from their past and base their decision to trust someone on the overall actions of a person. Consider all people trustworthy until proven otherwise and release the past baggage.

3. A compelling need to change the other and being negative
Real intimacy means acceptance. Having acceptance of yourself and your partner is a powerful indicator of intimate love. It does not mean you have to like everything, but you need to let go of the need to change another person. When we lack acceptance of another person's qualities, our tendency is to control. That control manifests itself in subliminal frustration. Even subtle pressuring people to change will lead to frustration-on both parties. This frustration can fester until it eats away at the core of the relationship. But before you can feel close to another person, you must unconditionally accept who you are with all your faults and qualities.

4. Inability to express your needs and feelings
Unfortunately most of us do not have the power to read minds. Therefore, we have to rely on our partners to communicate with us and vice versa. It is each person’s duty to express his or her needs and feelings. By sharing who we are and what's important to us, we significantly increase our chances of having our needs met. If we repress our needs and feelings, we block the other person out of our world, and make intimacy impossible. Quiet private talk over a meal or during a drive is a good place to begin to change this behavior. Another skill is being able to “read” the other person. If you or your partner cannot express outwardly feelings, neither one of you will be able to read the other. Learn to understand your partner.

5. Not honestly listening
Many of us have no problem talking, but listening poses more of a challenge. Really listening is important as all interpersonal communications. As silly as it seems, it could be why we were given two ears and one mouth. The key to listening is acknowledging what we have heard consciously. Are you really hearing what your partner is saying? Or are you thinking about how your partner is wrong or how you want to defend yourself? If your partner is constantly communicating the same need or feeling to you over and over, chances are you are not hearing your partner with your heart. Listen with your heart!

6. Being self-centered
The minute you decide to enter into a committed relationship, you must set aside self-centeredness. Intimacy requires there to be a balance between self, the other person and the relationship. It's not about just you anymore. You have to take the feelings and needs of the other person and the relationship into consideration. You must become and maintain the sum of what you are together. Decisions about money, routines, free time, children, time, etc. now have to include your partner's input. Remember to always give 100% and not 50%. When you “keep score” of what your partner has done for you lately, you will never have a rewarding relationship.

7. Lack of respect
If you lack respect for your partner, your intimate life will suffer. To respect means you hold a high opinion and high value of both yourself and your partner. You appreciate and show consideration for all people, not just your partner. The closeness of intimacy needs a general feeling of respect for self and your partner. It also means you need to behave in a way that deserves respect. You cannot expect your partner to respect you if your actions do not warrant respect. Respect means, “honor”. You honor others as well as being honorable yourself. This one factor applies to all interactions between people.

8. Angry arguments and love busters
All couples have disagreements. The intimacy in your relationship will suffer if you let your arguments get out of hand. Loud angry words, unresolved festering arguments, and inflicting emotional and physical pain will destroy intimacy. Couples that are close learn how to respectfully and healthily resolve their arguments. Talking, not shouting is the only way to keep a lid on disagreements and avoid hurtful behaviors that damage intimacy. Love busters are the behavior’s that ruins your spouse’s love for you. Be aware of these behaviors.

9. Lack of touch
Although physical intimacy is just a part of total intimacy, it is a very important part. If you don't make a point to hug, kiss, and experience sexual intimacy, your level of intimacy will be affected. You can still be close, but touch adds extra feelings of warmth, safety and love. This is an aspect that if practiced everyday will maintain intimacy. If you do not have regular touch with your partner, as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult to regain those physical feeling between partners.

10. Daily separate lives
Many couples, slowly over time, begin to live separate lives. Either their differences separate them or unawareness or lack of intention causes them to drift apart. Intimacy requires people to spend time together and share in each other's life.


A relationship is like a garden. You need to take the time to weed, fertilize and water your garden. In other words, it requires time, love, and a commitment to keep the bad to a minimum.

What really makes a marriage relationship last 30, 40, 50 plus years?

A happy and fulfilling marriage relationship takes a lot of hard work, but is it really that hard? Most of us just need a change of attitude and a better perspective on what it actually takes to have a rewarding relationship. The most important relationship many of us will ever have is the relationship between a husband and wife. So many of us want to have a good relationship with our husband or wife; but don’t know how, or want to give it the 100% commitment, dedication, and nurturing that it desperately needs every single day. There are relationship changing behaviors you can use in your relationship to make it last for an eternity. Without the nurturing and protection that a marriage needs; a marriage cannot be healthy, happy, rewarding, and fulfilling. Why settle for an avergage relationship, when you can have a rewarding relationship? The two are very different! 

·         Make sure your relationship is first.

·         Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it every day.

·         Learn your spouse’s needs and meet them every day.

·         Give and be selfless in your giving. Show altruism.

·         Give 100%, and not 50%.

·         Pray for your spouse.

·         Cherish them each day. Don’t take them for granted.

·         Do the small and big things every day to make your spouse feel loved and appreciated.

·         Respect and trust your spouse. Stay loyal, faithful, and committed to your spouse.

·         Spend quality time with each other.

·         Make lots of time for closeness, oneness, friendship, and intimacy.

·         Don’t ever neglect each other emotionally and physically.

·         Be the best of friends.

·         Be a strong team through the different seasons of life and your relationship.

·         Share similar interests.

·         Be a part of each other’s world.

·         Learn about each other and don’t stop.

·         Put your spouse’s needs above your own needs.

·         Be well aware of what ruins your spouse’s love for you.

·         Have open and healthy communication. Be safe to talk to.

·         Wake up each day and ask yourself “how can I make my spouse happy today?”

·         Don’t ever include anyone else in the privacy of your relationship.

·         Be creative, fun, and energetic.

·         Be happy and positive. Keep a good attitude. Stop the whining and negativity.

·         Know it’s not all about you. You didn’t marry yourself.

·         Don’t ever mention the D****** word.

·          Revisit your vows a couple times a year.

·         Stay in tune and check in with your relationship.

·         “Marry your spouse” every day.

·         Celebrate your beautiful relationship!

Understand a happy marriage needs these types of behaviors in order to be rewarding and fulfilling. Time together doesn’t mean complete happiness together.

What you plant is what you grow, so be careful what you sow

What kind of seeds are you planting in your marriage? Are you watering your marriage garden every day? Wife, is your husband a bit droopy? Are his leaves beginning to wilt or his branches beginning to sag? I suggest watering him with a good dose of respect, loving words and actions, appreciation, acceptance, affirmation, affection, and meeting his needs. Watch him perk back up and spring to life. Wise up ladies, and blow a little sunshine on your man and watch what happens. 

Like I have said before, women have so much power in their relationship. So ladies, wake up each day and water your marriage garden by first being aware of your husband’s needs. Most men’s needs are: Sexual fulfillment, domestic support, admiration, an attractive spouse, and recreational companionship. Speak his love language through your words and actions. Your husband’s primary love language may be a couple of these: Quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Sometimes in marriage we may ask, “Where did these weeds come from?” “We sure did not plant them!” Well, the weeds came from seeds that blew in from different places. Love busters are considered the weeds that creep up in your marriage! Love busters are words and actions that prevent you and your husband from being happy and satisfied in your relationship. For a man it can be negativity, drama, complaining, nagging, disrespect, selfishness, and of course the biggest one of all not meeting his needs and not speaking his love languages. Be aware of love busters and protect your marriage from them.  

Couples often revert to daily life routines that may inadvertently ignore the intellectual, physical, and emotional components of their relationship. Every couple should find time to spend time with each other, connect physically and emotionally by meeting each other’s needs, discuss political or other issues of interest, and even attend events that lead to discussion and intellectual stimulation. When a couple is intellectually and emotionally stimulated, they naturally feel more attracted to each other. 

Water your garden by understanding your husband and being aware of his thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and dreams. Make sure your relationship with him is first, encourage your husband and support him. Build him up instead of tearing him down. Grow a beautiful marriage garden together. 

You can water your marriage garden through the small and big things…anything from leaving a note saying how much you love and appreciate them to meeting their most important emotional needs. Make it a priority to spend quality time and undivided attention with each other, no matter what is going on in life. Always remember, you are a team and not enemies. If you attend to your relationship in these emotional, cognitive, and physical ways, you are likely to have a happy and healthy long relationship. 

Your heart and mind must be in it, if it is not then don’t think for one minute that you can have a fulfilling relationship. It starts with making the choice to do all that you can to give 100% and meet your partner’s needs and wants. No, not 50% or focusing on what they do or don’t do. This won’t work, it just won’t. If your heart is not in it, the first step is communicating what is wrong in your marriage and what needs continue to go unmet. If love busters are taking over your marriage and needs are unmet, you can’t have a fulfilling relationship. 

Love is like a plant, it constantly needs to be watered in order for it to grow. We need to not take our relationship for granted, and give it the extra care it needs. Learn to nurture your relationship and marriage each and every day together. You must allow the time for maintaining closeness. If not, unfortunately, what happens is that people have a tendency to grow apart over time. People don’t just grow apart because “it just happens”. They grow apart because they did not pay attention to their relationship and sooner or later fell out of love. Ladies, water your marriage garden each day with everything your husband needs from you and watch your garden grow.

Remind yourself each day: what you plant is what you grow, so be careful what you sow.  

Keeping your husband first

Have you ever watched or experienced in your own relationship what happens when babies arrive? Too many times a husband gets pushed out of his first-place position and has to resign himself to playing second fiddle. Obviously, a child requires more time and energy than a grown man, but it is the skillful wife who reassures her guy that he is still number one in her heart and she shows it every day.  

In one study, over 6000 couples were interviewed when they had no children and again five years later after they became parents. The finding showed that after becoming parents, couples expressed a significant drop in marital satisfaction. A more encouraging survey showed that out of 250 couples studied, 20 percent of them experienced notable improvement after having children. So one way or another, having children will affect your marriage relationship. Question is, will you make a decision to be in that 20 percent that notices an improvement? How you say? By keeping daddy first.

Keeping Daddy First

One of the best ways for keeping daddy first in your home is to have a plan. Below are different ways that you can help your husband feel like the king of his castle regardless of how many princes and princesses are vying for your attention.

Get away: Get away for a night or weekend alone a few times a year.    

Get creative: Have a date night once a week. It does not have to be expensive. Learn about him and his world and focus on each other only.

Get lovey-dovey: When your husband comes home from work, stop what you’re doing and give him a big hug and kiss! Be glad he is home! At bedtime, make sure your child sleeps in their own bed…not yours, between you and your husband.  

Get intentional: Be intentional about looking for ways to let your husband know that he is still # 1 in your book.

Get personal: Have conversations that are not always focused on the children. Learn more about him and his world.

Get involved: In order to help your husband feel needed, involve him in taking care of the children.

Get practical: If your sex life takes a dip for a few months after the arrival of a new baby, make sure your husband knows it is not a sign of rejection but of exhaustion. Then, think of some practical ways to reignite the flame. Be creative and romantic. Meet his need and your responsibility for sexual fulfillment.  

So many couples invest most of their time and energy into raising their children. Schedules revolve around soccer practice, ball games, and school activities. ROMANCE is placed on the back burner, and the marriage relationship is placed on hold for a more “convenient time”. Then one day, when the kids are gone, the couple rolls over in bed and realizes they are living with a stranger and fell out of love.

Your actions in your relationship today determine your tomorrow.  

Motherhood is one of the most important roles we will ever fill. We have the responsibility of shaping and molding our children. However, as a wife, your first priority should be to love, honor, and cherish your husband—putting your marriage relationship first before your relationship with your children. A mother should never feel guilty for putting her husband before her children. Giving them the security of knowing that their parents love each other is one of the best gifts she can give them in the long run. Stay focused on your relationship and allow for a rock-solid marriage. Don’t wait until the kids are gone to try and catch up for missed years.

God first, husband second, children third is the key to a well ordered life…not just for a period of time, but for “as long as we both shall live”.

Make each day count. Right now, your marriage is becoming what it is going to be. Keep your husband first and make sure he knows it through your actions and words.

Learn about your husband

How much do you really know about your husband? Do you know what your husband’s needs are? Do you know what makes him feel respected, loved, appreciated, and fulfilled? When was the last time you asked him how you can make him happier, therefore making your relationship better and you happier? Do you know about his world? Do you ask about his days and actively listen to his worries? Do you take an interest in what he does at work? Are you there to support him for who he is and not what you want him to be? Do you nag less and love more? Are you a part of his interests and share any hobbies with him?

Take the time out to learn about him and take joy in figuring out the puzzle of who he is. You will only know him like a book if you take the time to really know him. Whether you are using a telescope to get the big picture or a microscope for close examination, pay close attention to the needs, desires, joys, and sorrows of your man. Look closely at his heart and adore him. Don’t be selfish and worry about what he has not done for you lately. Be selfless and treat him the way he dreams of. I bet in return you will be happier and more satisfied than before.

Many women believe they know enough about their husbands, but there is always more to learn and grow from. Learning about him and continuing to learn about him ensures a happy and fulfilling husband, wife, and relationship. Explore with him, learn with him, be his closest confidante. Simply stated, learn and understand your husband. It’s not all about you and understanding your wants and needs. What about him? If you think you “know enough", than learn more. Learning about your husband can be so fulfilling and rewarding. Know your husband.

Marriage books that I have read, researched, and learned from

• The proper care and feeding of husbands: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• The proper care and feeding of marriage: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• Woman power: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• Stop whining, start living: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

• Love & Respect: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

• Motivating your man God’s way: Emerson Egerrichs

• The 5 love languages: Gary Chapman

• His needs, her needs: Willard Harley

• Fall in love, stay in love: Willard Harley

• Sacred influence-what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants: Gary Thomas

• Blessing your husband-understanding and affirming your man: Debra Evans

• What a husband needs from his wife-physically, emotionally, spiritually: Melanie Chitwood

• Women have all the power, too bad they don't know it: Michael Lockwood

• Starting your marriage right-what you need to know in the early years to make it last a lifetime: Dennis Rainy & Barbara Rainey

• Act like a lady, think like a man-what men really think about love, relationships, intimacy, and commitment: Steve Harvey

• The conversation-how black men and women can build loving trusting relationships: Hill Harper

• For women only-what you need to know about the inner lives of men: Shaunti Feldhahn

• The seven principles for making marriage work: John Gottman

• Every man a hero, every woman a coach: Joel Orr

• Light his fire: Ellen Kreidman

• Becoming the woman of his dreams-seven qualities every man longs for: Sharon Jaynes

• The secrets of happily married women-how to get more out of your relationship by doing less: Scott Haltzman MD

More to come...

Safe communication

We have to have safe and healthy communication in order to safeguard our relationship. John Gottman, author of “The seven principles for making marriage work” stated in his book that he studied hundreds of married couples and could tell which ones would divorce just by the way they argued. It goes back to having an emotionally intelligent relationship and not letting the four horsemen in-criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Yes, sometimes it can be very hard to be calm when communicating with our partners. However, you have to remember you both are a TEAM.

Ladies, you want to be able to LISTEN to him and create a safe environment for him to talk to you. If you act defensive and only care about me, me , me…he won’t want to talk to you. So either way, you will lose. When you find yourself getting frustrated and fed up, recall what your husband most needs from you: your understanding, acceptance, and approval-not for what he has done, but for who he is.

Focus on being a team and having fair negotiation. If absolutely needed, say what is on your mind, recommend a possibility of a solution and then move on.  Sometimes there is no solution to a problem and sometimes there is. (Read my marital conflict blog) Why not keep your lips buttoned over things that really don’t matter? Sometimes we need to deal with our own emotions and not expect our husbands to work them out for us. Look at the bigger picture and focus on peace and happiness.   

You have to have to be responsible for your emotions and have control over your emotions. Be direct with communication and don’t think he knows it all or knows what you are saying or want. Keep requests short and sweet, sometimes a man can get lost in them. Ask for something nicely not threatening. Don’t be so demanding and selfish.  

Men are beaten down by the relentless argument. Don’t pay back unkind words with unkind words. Instead, pay them back with kind words. Make a concerted effort to speak respectfully, rather than just going with your emotions, this will ward off hurt feelings and harsh words being said between you both. Don’t get stuck on how you feel. Try to understand his heart, even in his wrongdoings. The mindset that the man is mostly to blame is going to be very difficult to overcome, if it can even be overcome. Wives have a part of the husband’s wrongdoing and need to ask how we are a part of it, not why.

Refuse to nurture feelings of self-pity, resentment, emotional dependency, and dissatisfaction. You can ease conflict through improved communication. Each spouse needs to learn to develop the capacity for seeing beyond his or her own viewpoint in order to understand where the other is coming from. The next time you are tempted to “think small”, try to envision the bigger picture instead. So-called communication problems are generally that we are not talking about the current moment, the current moment is just a trigger for a memory. Knowing this helps avoid heated conversations.

KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Privacy in your relationship

Stop telling everyone about your relationship. Ladies, stop relying on other women to help you fix your problems. I’m not saying we can’t ever talk to friends and family and vent from time to time. I’m saying that the relationship between husband and wife is sacred and private. Your family and friends should not be involved in your relationship. Other people involved in your relationship leads to more tension, resentment, and problems. Besides, have you ever thought about how your partner would feel about you mentioning details and issues about your relationship? Many men out there feel it is disrespectful.

To be quite frank with you, most women are giving you bad advice anyways. Most women have little understanding about men, and these are the women giving advice. It takes a special woman to keep her relationship sacred, private, and protected. Tell God your problems, not your girlfriends and family.    


From time to time, a man wants to communicate on an intimate level with his wife. The more we listen with our hearts, the more they will speak from their hearts. In order for this level of communication to take place, a man must feel completly safe, trusting that you would never divulge a confidence or share his heart with anyone else. If he does not have that assurance, you most likely will not have the honor of engaging in the deepest level of intimate friendship. When a man feels he can share his heart without betrayal, judgement, or condemenation, he will take his woman to new depths of his soul that many leave unexplored. So, listen uninterrupted with your heart and mind. Ask open ended questions and engage. Don't judge or offer opinions and advice...unless he asks for it. Be a great listener and a great friend to your husband. Most of all, keep your conversations and relationship private and sacred among all other things. 

We verses me

A good marriage is about seeing your-selves as a team, not as competitors or enemies.

When you are married, all of your efforts should go towards taking care of each other’s needs.

During tough times, you may want to pull apart. This is the wrong thing to do. This is the time husband and wife should entwine arms and defend against the bad and ugly together. Most issues are temporary if you cling to each other rather than the alternative.

A good start to not taking a marital partner for granted is to think in we terms more often than me terms. It is good to have different hobbies and interests, but it is a bad mistake to selfishly guard your right to do and be what you want without respect for your duties as a spouse.

Gently nudging as opposed to screaming, ranting, and threatening, is what helps a spouse grow in the us/we department. Selfishness is generally a lifelong characteristic and requires gentle nudging before and enthusiastic kudos after to help someone grow into being joyous about giving without feeling as though they are giving up something more important than themselves.

The key to the frustration with one’s spouse is the difference between expectation and reality. When there is a basis of trust, honor, and devotion people can weather the storms together.

Teamwork and your union should be in your mind and heart.

The most important thing in a marriage is not ME but US. Give more than you can get.

Your spouse is NOT your enemy.

When life turns you a curveball, you don’t turn on each other; you are a team facing challenges together.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Me, me, me

Some women expect to be cherished, protected, and provided for by a man without that man enjoying the depth of passion that makes him feel loved, needed, wanted, adored, and ultimately accepted; that doesn’t work for long. A man needs the physical to feel connected emotionally to his woman, and by extension, the family. Any woman who dismisses that truth about her man will lose her man—even if he doesn’t walk out the door until the children are in college.

For the most part, the insecurity that many women have has everything to do with their underlying recognition that they are not behaving in a way that bonds their men to them.

It is the people who relish hanging on to the hurts and the power that gives them over their spouse, that never salvage nor create beauty in their marriages. 

JUST DO what you know your spouse needs and wants to feel important to you-what you know any woman or man would appreciate. (No nagging or drama, being happy, loyal to bond with him before other family, respectful, understanding, supportive, affectionate, a friend and helper, making him feel number one, intimate physically, emotionally and spiritually, interested in his world, good communication, spending time with him, and providing a fun and peaceful home) Being lovingly in these ways will be reciprocated.

Your husband is your family first, and holds a more important position than your extended family.

It is the woman who rules the relationship and the home. When we use this power well, we end up with a man who is very happy and blessed. Make him say: she doesn’t nag, she has confidence in herself, and she doesn’t make me cringe by playing emotional mind games and emotional traps. 

There might be a logical explanation for things going wrong. Don’t assume your spouse is out to hurt you. One absolutely necessity in any marriage is the inherent belief that the other has your best interest at heart. So, please always leave room for benefit of the doubt. Don’t panic and let your emotions run crazy.

No one can yank a happy spouse from your arms, so keep your spouse feeling loved and valued.

You can definitely cause your spouse to love you less if you are continuously hurtful, disrespectful, and not cautious about their feelings. Make sure you are thinking about longevity in your marriage before you open your mouth. An argument takes two. You can decide to be calm, non-defensive, reasonable, understanding, and compassionate. You can alone change the destiny of your marriage. Dedicate yourself to not getting stuck in the fray. You will find that no matter the subject, no matter how high the emotions, you will be able to create a better environment for working out problems. You will be amazed how dramatically different and better your relationship will be.

If you love your husband so much and want to change and be a better wife, practice the change and it will become almost natural. Learn not to be selfish, self-centered, and focusing on primarily “what’s in it for me”.

Don’t focus on how “my needs are being met”. Do prioritize the needs of the union—you are now us/we and not me.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

The gift of giving

Giving is about giving 100% to each other unconditionally every day.  It is thinking about what you can do each day to make your partner feel happy and loved by you. It can be small or big…anything that you know would make them feel so special.  Buying lunch and bringing it to them, buying them something they would love at the store, making them their favorite dinner, running an errand for them, doing something together that they enjoy, stocking a favorite drink or snack, getting something done for them. It’s about making them feel special. There are a ton of different things we can do each day to make the person we love feel special. It is about making their life easier and more enjoyable in every way possible. Giving is not about yourself or what you are getting out of it. When you give to someone who you truly love, you get it back in return. If you don’t, maybe you’re really not giving.


Obligations and responsibilities don’t require “feeling like it”, they require honor and compassion. Whether it is sex and affection, showing interest in the activities and passions of your spouse, giving up something important to you because it would make family peace and a happy spouse, you are required by your vows to function out of commitment, rather than running on your own immediate needs or feelings. Giving when you don’t feel like it, is the best route to a wonderful closeness and the most intimate feelings that are unimaginable if you focus in on only what suits you.

Treat your spouse like the catch that they are, do not let careers and hobbies get in the way of time together, don’t let debt and possessions possess you and bring turmoil and blame, don’t use your spouse when you need what you need and then ignore them and their needs, leaving them to fend for themselves until you get lonely and need something for yourself again; don’t be haughty and lazy about the priority of love in marriage and your responsibility to make them feel loved and important to you and the family.

You will begin to feel happier in your marriage simply by focusing in on the good and the great instead of how your attention is generally drawn toward the negative and annoying trivialities. The second thing that will happen is that you will ignite a loving reaction from your spouse that will keep your marriage warm for a long time.

If you are going to be happily married, you have to learn emotional self-control. It does not mean that you are letting them get away with anything. To have a lovely marriage, give what is most precious to you. This would be giving your loving, kind self in spite of your fears and hurts. This is the gift of GIVING.

If you didn’t make a mistake in the choice of a spouse, and you really believe that the other person truly lives concerned about your welfare and has the best intentions toward you and has your feelings and your very life in their heart—then there is NO point in being so ferociously defensive, hostile, manipulative about hurt feelings, or apocalyptic about a little spat. At the time you are the angriest, the most resentful, the most irritated, hurt and disillusioned—do something nice for the other person and something magical happens. Just say: You know I am feeling so angry, hurt, upset that I am confused. I do know that I love you, you are wonderful and I want to be calm and comfortable with each other 10 minutes from now. I want you to be happy and to be happy with me. How can I give that to you?    

Altruism, self-sacrifice, makes people happy. It also makes them loved. In order to be loved, you must first love. Love is not about you or what you want; it is about GIVING love without conditions to somebody healthy and kind enough to do the same.

Married people who display frequent altruism toward their spouse have happier marriages. Spouses who have this self-sacrificing “put the interest of the other before my own interests” mentality are happier, and more happily married.

GIVE, GIVE, and GIVE some more of your best self.

Banish two words from your vocabulary: Except and deserve. If you focus on what your partner deserves, you magically get everything you need. That is the gift of GIVING!

REMEMBER: EVERY DAY IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO FORGE A STRONGER BOND BETWEEN YOU BOTH!

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Stopping the negative behavior

Ladies, your responsible for your own happiness.

If you are always negative and weeping, you have no courage or character.

It is a spiritual fact that kindness kills wickedness far more than nagging, complaining, or disrespect.

Let God be God and let him work on things with your husband, instead of complaining. 

Do things without complaining or arguing. Resentment and bitterness will only keep you from being spiritually productive in that relationship.

All of this nagging, nitpicking, and criticizing that men routinely get from their wives results in them trying harder for a little while and then giving up.

Men are impressed by honesty, not manipulation, nagging, yelling, crying, or emotional blackmail.

Men least admire emotional manipulation, complaining, nagging, controlling through hurt or anger, ability to verbally rip apart their soul, having to always get your way, gossip, moodiness, talking to much without solving, emotions that dominate rationality or the truth, constant demand for validation, and not letting the man be a man. 

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

What happens when your relationship doesn’t receive the nurturing it needs?

Most divorces or affairs don’t occur as the result of one big decision; far more often, they take place after a series of mini-separations that lead to the final, permanent destruction of the relationship.

We endanger our marriage when we put it on the shelf--even for only a season--and then expect our spouse to put up with our temporary separation. Whatever causes us to ignore our spouse--work, a sick mother or father, a troubled child, a busy church, a growing ministry--makes little difference to the neglected spouse. If they feel ignored, they become achingly vulnerable. One internet chat, one long lunch at work, one phone call from and old girlfriend, one chance meeting at a sporting event or a business convention, and suddenly they see an “instant cure” for their loneliness—a cure that has potential to destroy your marriage.

We need to understand that marriage provides the foundation for our relational lives. Work is important. Parenting is crucial. Hobbies are healthy. But when work or hobbies or even parenting causes us to neglect our marriage, the whole house may fall down--and often work, parenting, and everything else will come down with it. 

We grow together by degrees, and we grow apart by degrees.   

Not meeting each other needs can lead to a divorce, sooner or later.

Marriage is about choosing to allow the strong points of your marriage to be the dominant points, the areas you choose to focus on. Where you absolutely can’t meet, you find a way to detour. Instead of spending your whole life complaining about what you want, start enjoying what you already have.

God uses your marriage to teach you how to become a better person, how to handle your fears, and how to be less controlling. As you grow in these areas, God will do something wonderful not only in your life, but for your family as well. Persevere, because if you do, you will save you and your hearers.

A lifetime of romance lies hidden in the work of marriage. In your own relationship, you may occasionally feel tempted to “lie down” and get lost in romantic comedies instead of studying how to love a real man or woman. It may seem easier to withdraw from love, to get lazy in your affections, to coast in your marriage--but such an indulgent, soft way of life will ultimately steal your sense of well-being and even your happiness. You’ll lose any romantic feelings you once had for your husband or wife, and you will eventually despise the person you have become. 

God built us in such a way that, early on in a relationship, romance is unearned and often unappreciated. Intimacy is immediate and electric. In a mature marriage, romance is maintained only through hard work, deliberate choices, and concrete actions. You can’t force your feelings, but you can choose to act so that feelings usually follow. If we act like we are in love, we’ll keep falling in love. It is a process of growth--toward each other.

The differences between successful couples and unsuccessful couples are that the successful ones keep getting up and keep dealing with the issues. Unsuccessful couples want it easy. They want it now. They want their needs to be met. They don’t want conflict; they just want everything to be “happy.” This approach is the epitome of immaturity.

The single most horrible problem for marriages today is the lack of understanding, not only of what is needed by a man in a woman, but also what is needed by a woman in a man. The acceptance of the polarity in masculine and feminine is what makes a tight, loving, long-lasting bond.

Marriages are not business arrangements of coworkers or co-owners. Marriages are the joining of two minds, bodies, souls, spirits, hopes, dreams, needs, personalities, and different genders.

A man who is not happily married has faced no validation, no affection, no sex, lots of complaining, chaotic schedules, a lack of a warm home atmosphere, arguments about everything mostly started by being dissatisfied with something, an unhappy wife, payback punitive, hurtful behaviors and words. This is really a woman who has forgotten she can catch more flies with honey.

Most affairs are due to two things. A spouse feeling ignored or a spouse feeling overwhelmed.

(THIOT). The honeymoon is over time. As much as the beloved was idealized early on—their faults are seen with as much intensity. Only because you are choosing to only see the negative in your partner. Change your attitude and change your perception.

75 % of divorces are unnecessary and most people report not being happier after their divorce. A divorce should not be an option, and when it is not, marriage is much more tolerable when you are not looking for the exit door. 

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)