The heart of your marriage

A marriage relationship thrives on intimacy, closeness, oneness, friendship and physical connection. Intimacy is more than just the act of making love. Intimacy starts with meeting each others’ needs, making each other truly happy, and not neglecting each other causing one or both to fall out of love.

 A marriage relationship must be considered “high maintenance”. This means you have to constantly work at keeping your marriage healthy, happy, and fulfilling. Marriage does not come easy, but I don’t need to tell anyone that. Creating intimacy takes work and it is very easy to blame your partner why your marriage is the way it is today. But, if you really want to develop and maintain intimacy in your relationship, you have to focus on what you need to do. It only takes one of you to start and what a difference a day can make.

Understand that you are responsible to set the mood, tone, and atmosphere in your relationship. Create the attitude and changes that are needed to have a marriage that allows you to be in love with each other instead of just being with each other. Stop being negative and stop the blame game and start learning about your partner and relationship. Take the moral high ground and start making changes in your relationship today. Even the most successful marriages learn and grow…that is the reason why they are successful.

Besides, marriage is the most rewarding gift and amazing blessing. Marriage and the union of two people don’t ruin marriage…the people in it do. God created marriage and we owe it to him, ourselves, and our future generations to have a relationship that is rewarding, healthy, happy, and fulfilling.

Stop the blame, stop taking your partner for granted, and start cherishing each other and your relationship. A happy and healthy relationship takes just as much energy as a negative and unhealthy relationship. Switch your negative energy to positive energy!

Your home, the most sacred place

A husband wants his wife to be in a good mood when he walks in the door and at other times. Complaining, arguing, and criticizing create a very damaging tension in the home. Adjust things and focus on having more fun and peace inside of the home. Your husband craves and needs fun and peace inside the home. Become more pleasant to live with.

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. What did it feel like to be greeted by you? What kind of mood are you setting in the home? Are you pleasant? Confrontational? Self-absorbed? Complaining about your day? Apathetic? Would you like to be welcomed in the home the way you welcome your husband? What are you doing to make your husband your “buddy”? Are you a pleasure to be around? If this is what you are doing, your husband does not want to be around you or want to come home.

Maybe the only reason your husband is not home as much is the fact that home simply has stopped being any fun, and he is reluctant to return to a place of stress, tension, and conflict. Maybe your husband stays away from home because he has been embarrassed there too many times or feels like he is not important.

If a man can’t find peace in his own home, where should he be able to feel relaxed, accepted, loved and content, he begins to not only hate coming home, but he begins to hate life.

A job is a place where you go to and make money. A home is where you share love and laughter. Your husband should get his good feelings from home and not from work. This needs to occur before he can make home his number one priority.

Make yourself and your home a place where your husband would want to come home to. Be pleasant when he walks in the door. Don’t bombard him with whining and bitching. Instead, if you have something to discuss, ask him when a good time is to talk? Smile more. Your smile is contagious.

Don’t deny what your husband needs most: a happy loving home. You have to learn to put your feelings of negativity and sadness aside and not deny him of his happiness.

Your husband is not going to love you because you are needy. He is going to love you if you are loving. So every time you feel concerned that you’re not loved, act in a loving manner and create that love feeling in the other person. In other words, if you are suddenly going into your “poor me, I’m not lovable and you have to prove to me I am and make me feel good and I have to be the center of the universe and none of your feelings matter because you are just here to make me feel good” behaviors, he is bound to get very tired of it and you. In his mind, coming home there is an irritating little girl who is demanding and pouty, he is not even going to want to come home at some point. If you know that you are loved, love the hell out of him and you will see that love reflected back multifold. You will find that two things will happen: first, giving feels good and makes one feel special to be able to bring happiness to another, and second, his response of appreciation and affection will be true and real—not extorted through trying to prove to yourself if he loves you. We don’t ever truly “get” that way, we know it’s synthetic and we are never satisfied with a fake meal. When we see our efforts being genuinely and spontaneously rewarded, well, plan to get fat on that! Some people sadly find it extremely difficult to get out of themselves, their neurotic, self-centered drives, and be giving. These people stay frustrated and bitter and they cause a lot of pain.   

Create a peaceful palace for your family and watch the home environment change.  

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.

(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Cherish and honor your woman

You should know by now, women want to feel loved! We want to feel beautiful, adored, cherished, honored, satisfied, safe, emotionally and financially stable, and like the only woman in the world for you! Some women even feel loved when you help around the house or when you do other household things for them. Other women like myself, don’t care much about men helping around the house but there are many women who feel loved by helping them in those ways.  To me, a man cutting the grass, fixing our cars, paying the most important bills and taking care of “manly things” is enough. The point is we want to feel loved and matter of fact, we need to feel loved. Just like respect is a “man’s oxygen”, love is a “woman’s oxygen”. We need it and have to feel it.

Cherishing your woman and taking her for granted is so easy to do once you have been together for a long time. That is no excuse though. Learn what makes her feel special and do it. Yes, speaking our love language and meeting our needs is VERY important. However, every now and then we need to feel extra special, appreciated, and important.

Romance goes both ways. Women can definitely romance their husbands and should. A husband should also think of ways to romance his wife. Sometimes it’s the small things that really speak to my heart. So, big or small…it is important to make her feel like she is the only woman for you! Letters, cards, flowers, dinner reservations, a walk, weekend getaway, laundry, conversation, affection, physical touch, whatever it is…make sure it is a big part of your relationship.

Honor your woman by putting her first (after God), being honest and open, by being faithful to her, by not jeopardizing your relationship, by respecting her, and remaining true to her every day. 

Don’t take her for granted because before you know it…sooner or later, her love bank will be so empty that she will be gone. If you are one of the lucky men out there and have a really good woman, cherish and honor her every day.

A woman’s confidence

It all starts with confidence! If you are not confident in yourself, how the heck do you expect to contribute all that you should to your relationship? You have to feel good about yourself and it all starts with us ladies. Yes, men definitely need to feel good about themselves and should especially for their family. However, women also have to feel good about who they are physically and emotionally.

If you don’t like the way you look, do something about it. Get a new haircut, start tanning, lose weight…do whatever it is that you know would make you feel better about yourself and help you become more confident.

If you know you need work emotionally, than learn how you can become a better woman, wife, and partner. If you are not contributing much to the relationship, then what are you doing in one? All of my blogs can help you become a better woman and wife! Learn and learn some more! You can never learn everything…there is always more to learn out there! Learning is how we grow emotionally and how we can feel more confident in who we are as a woman. 

No one wants to be with a woman just because they love her or once loved her…be irresistible and be the woman of your man’s dreams!

Know love is a choice before it is a feeling

The “in-love” experience is a temporary emotional high. Once that is over, couples can now pursue “real love”. That kind of love is emotional in nature, but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. We need to be loved by someone who chooses to love us, who sees in us something worth loving. 

If love is a choice, then you have the capacity to love after the “in-love” obsession has died and you have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude that says “I am married to you, and choose to look out for your interests.”  


The compassionate, sensitive, and loving gestures have to come before the feelings. Generally actions drag feelings along and not the opposite. Husbands and wives must treat each other with the tender loving regard they once had in their heart, in order to reinitialize positive feelings about their spouse. The more you think and do loving things, the more you will feel loving.

(Gary Chapman, The five love languages)

The Three Cycles of marriage

Have you ever wondered sometimes "what the heck is going on between us"? If you have, you were most likely experiencing the crazy cycle in marriage. 

Crazy cycle is the man’s cry for respect and the woman’s cry for love. Because husband and wife see and hear differently, they can’t easily decode the signals they send each other. The result is the crazy cycle: without love (her deepest need), she reacts without respect (his deepest need); without respect (his deepest need), he reacts without love (her deepest need). The crazy cycle is always there, ready to spin. The key is: knowing how to spot trouble before it starts, how to keep the crazy cycle in its cage.

Energizing cycle is when you energize each other with love and respect.

Rewarding cycle is when you can enjoy the rewards of a healthy and fulfilling marriage.

It is very important to know that a husband needs respect; he is not trying to be unloving. A wife needs to feel loved, she is not trying to be disrespectful.  The “issue” is not the real issue at all. Once you grasp this principle, you have cracked the communication code.

A good question for men to keep in mind is: Have I said or done something to make my wife feel unloved?

A good question for women to keep in mind is: Have I said or done something to make my husband feel disrespected?

The type of person you are and what your needs and love languages are will determine how you feel loved and how you feel respected. Respect is respect though, you should always have the upmost respect for each other and your relationship. 

(Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect)

Quality time with each other

Your bond is renewed and your relationship is refreshed when you regularly schedule alone time together. 

You must make each other a #1 priority before anything else in your life, besides God of course for me.

Don’t neglect each other and make time for each other to connect and have undivided attention. 

1)      Date night at least once a week or every 2 weeks at the least.

2)     Weekend getaway every three months or so.

3)     Vacation away for at least a week once a year. 

You have to look at this “time out” as an investment in your future. The greatest gift we can give to our children is a long lasting loving relationship between husband and wife. The cost of time away with each other is nothing compared to the cost of illness or a divorce. We all know that price of a divorce is horrendous, both financially and emotionally. If you don’t take “time out”, divorce or illness or both are likely to occur.

 

(Ellen Kreidman, Light his fire)

Be a part of his world and support him

Men love it when you are a part of their world and supportive. Being enthusiastic about their job, hobbies, and sharing interests with them really speaks to their heart. Supporting them and being there for any important events, activities, and other commitments is really important to them and to the success of your relationship.  

Get to know your man and be a student of his. Learn more about him, his likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals. Ask questions and have intelligent conversations from time to time. It is your privilege to enter his world being interested and showing your pleasure for him. 

It is imperative for a woman to value her husband's leadership, his emotions, his desires, his faith, and his intelligence. Believe in him, right or wrong, believe in him.

When your husband wants to talk and share something with you, let him talk and just listen. Dont judge him or offer your opinions, unless he asks you for them. Be a friend and listen to his heart speak.

Find out what his interests are and be a part of them. Join him if you can or be there to support him.

To know you is to love you. Know and be aware about each others world and what is going on in each others world. Use your love maps to learn more about each other, express understanding, fondness, and admiration of each other.

Men are simple. Learn and understand your man.

Make sure your husband is first, every day.

Provide him with a safe, loving, and stimulating environment, and you will be a vital part of his happiness forever. A man who experiences this kind of love would be a fool to let you go.

Men are simple creatures and very dependent upon their wives for understanding, respect, nurturing, acceptance, approval, support and affection. When those are restored, all is well in their world.

A man needs encouragement, he needs to know you have his back no matter what. Praise, compliments, support, and loyalty. 

Men love to laugh, and they love women who have a great, spontaneous sense of humor. Even more, they love to see their wives happy.

Men are different. They think differently, they feel differently, and they communicate differently. They are NOT WRONG for that. They are beautiful too, in their own way.

Instead of complaining about how much he works, praise him for working so hard. Let him know how much you appreciate how hard he works. Husbands need to work and want to work. Who they are, what they do, and how much money they make are three very important parts of your husband.

Instead of complaining whenever something is not done or fixed, praise him when something is done and fixed.

Invest time, attention, and energy wisely; treasure your husband’s companionship above all others. Make sure you have time together and let him know how much you cherish your time together.

A man enjoys talking and sharing his heart with his woman, when he knows that she will listen without offering opinions and being judgmental.

Men love it when you are a part of their world. Get involved!

When women understand and have realistic expectations about how men are, they are happier. Focus on all the positive things about your man and don't focus on the negative things. Appreciate who he is and don't try to change him.

It takes men seven hours minimum to process emotional data. There are brain differences between men and women. Understand men and women are different emotionally. Give him time to talk and make it safe for him to want to share his heart with you.

Be a woman of understanding-learn how to communicate and when to communicate in a way that your husband can fully participate. Don’t let petty annoyances poison your relationship. Live with and celebrate the mystery of living with each other. Become more understanding of him and who he is as a man and husband.

Learn how to have control over your emotions. Don't play emotional games. Playing emotional blackmail will soon get old and you will find him outgrowing you. Being emotionally immature usually comes from being insecure with yourself and what you are bringing to the relationship.

Sexual fulfillent is a vital part of who a man is and how great of a man he can be. If your man is not the best man he can be, it may be because his sexual fulfillment is not a priority in the relationship. This is a major emotional and physical need for a man and when this is not restored in their world, everything else matters less. When you find him not wanting to spend time with you, talk with you, do things for you, fix things for you, take you out, or make you feel important and loved...it is most likely because he is not as happy and fulfilled as he should be.  

Women have all the power in the relationship to make or break it; how strongly we can influence a man, make him feel like a man. Being loving to your husband does not make you a slave; you catch more flies with honey than nags!

If there’s enough real reward (understanding, respect, appreciation, affection, approval, support, and admiration) they will do almost anything for the source of reward.

 A man can do and will do so much more if his woman lets him know that he is her hero, and that she respects and loves him. Any woman too high on her horse to understand how important her moral support is to her man’s masculinity misses out on real woman power, and also misses out on a happy, motivated husband. 

Keep it simple...your man is simple...his needs are simple. He wants you to learn about him. He wants you to make time for him. He wants appreciation and respect.  He is not just a paycheck, or just a person living in your home. He has needs and wants. Take time each day to show him how much you appreciate and cherish him. Don't negelect him or his needs. Dont focus on the negative things about him. Be his girlfriend and wife. Be fun and positive. Make him want to treat you as good as you treat him unconditionally. A well-treated man will definitely become the best man possible. Women tend to complicate their relationship because they don't really understand their man and his needs.

Start here:Ask your husband what his wishlist for your relationship is? Ask him to list everything that you can do that would make him happy. Do those things every day and see what kind of man he can be in return. Remember, women have all the power.

 

(Dr. Laura Shlessinger, The proper care and feeding of husbands)

Marital Conflict

The 3 States of Mind in Marriage

These states of minds have a tremendous influence on the way a husband and wife resolve conflicts.  It discourages negotiation. 

-State of intimacy is when you are happy and in love. 

-State of conflict is when you start to feel unhappy and the “taker” side of you rises to your rescue and triggers the state of conflict.

-State of withdrawal is when fighting doesn’t work, and you are still unhappy, the taker encourages you to take a new course of action that triggers the state of withdrawal.

How can couples work their way back to the state of intimacy once they find themselves trapped in the state of withdrawal? And once they are back, how can they stay there?

Two kinds of marital problems

-Solvable problems are problems that can be resolved. No underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.

-Perpetual problems are problems that are a part of your life forever. There is an underlying conflict fueling the dispute. There is a deeper meaning that the battle has.

With emotionally intelligent couples, despite their differences they remain satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their perpetual problem so it doesn’t overwhelm them. They have learned to keep it in its place and have a sense of humor about it. 

Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies. You must have acceptance and understanding for both.

The Four Horsemen and the danger signs

Understand the bottom line difference that is causing the conflict between you and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will you be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into your marriage. 

Harsh startup is the first sign of danger. This is becoming negative and accusatory. This simply dooms you to failure. Not allowing the four horsemen in and having fair negotiation is needed to overcome conflict. Turn toward each other instead of away.

Horsemen 1:           Criticism

Horsemen 2:          Contempt

Horsemen 3:          Defensiveness

Horsemen 4:          Stonewalling 

Stonewalling is a destructive male response. It is basically when men shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and essentially withdrawing from you and the conversation. Men are different with their emotions and handling marital conflict, so give him some time before talking about something, if you feel this is what is going on. Stonewalling can be extremely destructive to a relationship and can end the relationship for sure.

(John Gottman, The seven principles for making marriage work)

(Gary Thomas, Sacred Influence)

An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship

Emotionally Intelligent Relationship

An emotionally intelligent relationship is a dynamic that keeps your negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming your positive ones.  This is an understanding, respecting, and honoring each other. Something positive is going on between you both that overrides your argumentative style. Letting things go emotionally from within to keep things positive. 

Strong Friendship

Maintaining the friendship is the foundation of your love. As a result, you will have a far more passionate relationship than others. Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. Despite the inevitable disagreements of married life, you can experience positive sentiment override. A strong friendship is a secret weapon to prevent quarrels from getting out of hand.

Positive Sentiment Override

Emotionally intelligent relationships have what is called positive sentiment override. Your positive thoughts about each other and your marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede your negative feelings. It takes much more significant conflict to lose your equilibrium. The positivity causes you both to feel optimistic about each other and your marriage, to assume positive things about your life together, and to always give each other the benefit of the doubt. Don’t focus on what is missing in your mate and appreciate what is there. Don’t take each other for granted and focus on the positive, not the negative.

Repair Attempts

Repair attempts work with positive sentiment override. Repair attempts are any statement or action-silly or not- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. When a couple has a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and reading those sent their way. The success or failure of a repair attempt is one of the primary factors in whether the marriage flourishes or flounders. This determines happiness in marriage. For failed repair attempts, a break is needed to decrease tension. 

 

(John Gottman, The seven principles for making marriage work)