Marital Conflict

The 3 States of Mind in Marriage

These states of minds have a tremendous influence on the way a husband and wife resolve conflicts.  It discourages negotiation. 

-State of intimacy is when you are happy and in love. 

-State of conflict is when you start to feel unhappy and the “taker” side of you rises to your rescue and triggers the state of conflict.

-State of withdrawal is when fighting doesn’t work, and you are still unhappy, the taker encourages you to take a new course of action that triggers the state of withdrawal.

How can couples work their way back to the state of intimacy once they find themselves trapped in the state of withdrawal? And once they are back, how can they stay there?

Two kinds of marital problems

-Solvable problems are problems that can be resolved. No underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.

-Perpetual problems are problems that are a part of your life forever. There is an underlying conflict fueling the dispute. There is a deeper meaning that the battle has.

With emotionally intelligent couples, despite their differences they remain satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their perpetual problem so it doesn’t overwhelm them. They have learned to keep it in its place and have a sense of humor about it. 

Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies. You must have acceptance and understanding for both.

The Four Horsemen and the danger signs

Understand the bottom line difference that is causing the conflict between you and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will you be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into your marriage. 

Harsh startup is the first sign of danger. This is becoming negative and accusatory. This simply dooms you to failure. Not allowing the four horsemen in and having fair negotiation is needed to overcome conflict. Turn toward each other instead of away.

Horsemen 1:           Criticism

Horsemen 2:          Contempt

Horsemen 3:          Defensiveness

Horsemen 4:          Stonewalling 

Stonewalling is a destructive male response. It is basically when men shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and essentially withdrawing from you and the conversation. Men are different with their emotions and handling marital conflict, so give him some time before talking about something, if you feel this is what is going on. Stonewalling can be extremely destructive to a relationship and can end the relationship for sure.

(John Gottman, The seven principles for making marriage work)

(Gary Thomas, Sacred Influence)