Know love is a choice before it is a feeling

The “in-love” experience is a temporary emotional high. Once that is over, couples can now pursue “real love”. That kind of love is emotional in nature, but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. We need to be loved by someone who chooses to love us, who sees in us something worth loving. 

If love is a choice, then you have the capacity to love after the “in-love” obsession has died and you have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude that says “I am married to you, and choose to look out for your interests.”  


The compassionate, sensitive, and loving gestures have to come before the feelings. Generally actions drag feelings along and not the opposite. Husbands and wives must treat each other with the tender loving regard they once had in their heart, in order to reinitialize positive feelings about their spouse. The more you think and do loving things, the more you will feel loving.

(Gary Chapman, The five love languages)